Monster Mash

A European castle at night.

Organ music begins to fill the corridors. Lighting and thunder crash
and flash throughout the castle. Torches light up the entry way.

Then, moving slowly from the shadows, foot by foot, with his cape
draped around his right arm and covering all but his eyes . . .
DRACULA arrives.

He stares and glares from left to right. The music ends as Dracula
lowers his cape, then lifts it up quickly, then lowers it again ever
so slowly to reveal his fangs.

Dracula: Good evening . . . AND . . . Velcome to our show. Ah, ha,
ha, ha! And a vun, and a two, and a vun, two, tree . . .

Bee Gee's "Stayin' Alive" begins.

From the darkness, FRANKENSTEIN,
THE MUMMY and THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN stagger out in synch with the
beat, one after the other. IGOR lurches forward rather quickly up to
the front with a standing mic, just in time for Dracula to begin
singing.

Dracula: Vell, you can tell by da vay I use my valk
I'm a dead man wid all da time to stalk
Screams are loud and da blood is varm
I've been hunted since I vas reborn

And now it's all right - it's okay
And you may run da otter vay
Ve don't need try to understand rigormortis' effect on man
Vetter you're a brain stealer
or vetter you're a blood dealer
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Feel their neck breakin, and ev'rybody's shakin'
Cause ve're stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, Stayin' Alive.

At this point, Frankenstein shimmies his way up to the microphone to
sing the second verse.

Frankenstein: Arrghh! Ahhhh . . . arrrggghhh, argh, argh . . .
ahhhhhh!!!

Dracula raises his hands in disbelief, and then lowers them to his
face in shame. He motions several times with a finger across his neck
to Igor.

Dracula: Cut da music, Igor! (To Frankenstein) Vhat vas dat? Huh?
Vhat da hell vas dat?

Frankenstein looks dejected, embarrassed.

Dracula: You told me you had it memorized. You told me you've been
practicing in da dungeons. (Shaking his head) I come out
of my coffin early tonight for vhat? Dis?

Frankenstein is covering his face and begins to quietly weep,
shoulders bobbing.

Dracula: Don't do dat. Dat's embarrassing.

Dracula sighs and puts his hand on Frankenstein's shoulder.
Frankenstein looks up with puppy dog eyes.

Dracula: Tell me, old buddy. Vhat are all monsters afraid of?

Frankenstein: Fire!

Dracula: Yes! And vhat does fire usually come on?

Frankenstein: Wood!

Dracula: Vood is good! Okay, now, vhat is your favorite flower?

Frankenstein: Daisies, daisies!!

Dracula: Very articulate! Now . . . vhat is your favorite meal and
costs me next to nudding?

Frankenstein: Milk . . . bread!!!

Dracula: Who says you can't talk? Huh? Who, I ask? Now, show me
your boogie.

Dracula slaps Frankenstein on the ass as he shimmies up to the mic
once more.

Dracula: Kick it, Igor!

The music starts up where it had left off. Frankenstein half smiles
opening his big mouth to sing.

Frankenstein: Arrghh! Ahhhh . . . arrrggghhh, argh, argh . . .
ahhhhhh!!!

Dracula lowers his head and shakes his hand to stop it all. He
doesn't even look at Frankenstein as he approaches the mic.

Dracula: Buzz. Buzz. Shoo. Shoo. Go stand back there next to scary
pumpkin man. Mummy! Come here.

The Mummy looks around like Dracula doesn't mean him.

Dracula: (Sighs) Yes, you. Come here!

The Mummy shimmies up to the mic.

Dracula: Igor!

Dracula spins his finger around in the thin air like a turning
record. The music begins again.

Dracula: (To The Mummy) Sing!

Mummy: Mmmm, mmm. Mmmm, mmm.

Dracula quickly takes the mic away.

Dracula: Cut! Cut! Cut! Vhy did I say, yes? Vhy did I sign da
contract? Vhy? Vhy? VHY?

The Headless Hoseman steps forward.

Dracula: Vhat are you doing?

The Headless Horseman motions to the mic and mimes singing. Dracula
raises the mic.

Dracula: Dis? In my vorst nightmares. Who da hell are you, anyvays?
Huh? I don't remember doing a movie vit you. And vhy are
you holding dat pumpkin? Am I suppose to be scared? (To
the others) Vhat is he doing here for?

Frankenstein raises his hand and starts grunting an answer. Dracula
puts the mic back.

Dracula: No, put your arm down. Go back down to da dungeons an
practice. And take toilet paper man vid you. (Slapping hands) Practice, practice, practice!

Frankenstein and The Mummy leave ashamed. The Headless Horseman just
stands there.

Dracula: Vhat? Vhat do you vant?

The Headless Horseman motions to the mic and mimes singing.

Dracula: Get oudda here! Go back to America, you pumpkin lover
freak! Get!!!

The Headless Horseman leaves. Dracula throws his cape up once again
to cover his face. He creeps up to the mic with intense eyes. He
lowers his cape, fangs protruding, eyes seducing, and then . . .

Dracula: Igor! (Grinning) Spin it, baby.

The music begins where it had initially left off.

Dracula: Vell, now, I've been staked and I've been on fire
And if I can't catch you I'll probably expire
But I've got da vings of hell on my shoes
You see, I'm a dead man and I just can't lose

And now it's all right - it's okay
And you may run da otter vay
Ve don't need try to understand rigormortis' effect on man
Vetter you're a brain stealer or
vetter you're a blood dealer
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Feel their neck breakin, and ev'rybody's shakin'
Cause ve're stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, Stayin' Alive.

The End
]]> https://vorg.ca/324-Meat-For-The-Masses funnyguy Skit 2003-09-16T17:05:05+00:00 https://vorg.ca/324-Meat-For-The-Masses#replies