deadheidi blog @ Vorg http://vorg.ca/~deadheidi All items Copyright 2001-2004 by their respective authors en-us https://vorg.ca/101-Were-the-ancient-order-of-robot-dolls..

And THIS is...a suprise. Teeheehee.

]]> https://vorg.ca/101-Were-the-ancient-order-of-robot-dolls.. deadheidi Weblog 2003-04-06T01:17:34+00:00 https://vorg.ca/101-Were-the-ancient-order-of-robot-dolls..#replies https://vorg.ca/91-Murgh...coffee...
Maybe I just need to turn my They Might Be Giants cd up really loud. Same effect.]]> https://vorg.ca/91-Murgh...coffee... deadheidi Weblog 2003-04-03T15:51:27+00:00 https://vorg.ca/91-Murgh...coffee...#replies https://vorg.ca/86-A-blog-eh?
Today, I watched an "I Love the 80s" marathon for 9 hours. I now desperately want to do James Spader, need a Delorean and have an urge to buy every color of converse available.

And THIS is scaring/inspiring me.]]> https://vorg.ca/86-A-blog-eh? deadheidi Weblog 2003-04-02T03:08:47+00:00 https://vorg.ca/86-A-blog-eh?#replies https://vorg.ca/76-HOBO-COP (SCENE: A heated police stand-off outside a dingy Los Angeles apartment building. Police cars are everywhere, every officer has a gun trained on the complex. Their suspect peers out at the broo ha ha from behind a curtained 3rd-story window.)

Chief of Police: (holds out a megaphone) Alright, Chompsky, this is the end of the road. Come out with your hands on your head or my men will start shooting.

Chompsky: YOU CAN’T SCARE ME! I got hostages!

Chief’s mom: (unseen, from inside,) Daryl, this is your mother. Don’t shoot!

Chief:…MOM?! What’s he doing to you?

Chief’s mom: I’m fine, dear, he’s a fair man. He even said I get a hostage, too. Look! (she holds a small girl up to the window and pulls back the curtains)

Girl: Daddy!!

Chief: You’re holding your GRANDDAUGHTER hostage?

Mom: Well, you were busy with the stand-off, and I didn’t want to intrude…

Chief: (sighs exasperatedly and puts his megaphone down) Alright, so this is a hostage situation. I need my best man on the force. Get me…HOBO COP.

Extra: Right, sir. (runs into the bushes and drags out a nearly toothless old man in badly soiled, patched clothing.)

Hobo Cop: Riighhbbrrrababababagaggahaaaaaagghh! (He weilds his cartoonish, polka-dotted bindle around like a sword. The extra walks him over to the Chief.)

Chief: Hobo Cop, thank God you’re here. Listen, you’re not only the toughest guy on my force, you’re also my best negotiator. I need you to talk this man down and make him release my relatives.

Chief’s Mom: Do you still want me to babysit Franny tonight?

Chief: That depends on her status as a HOSTAGE, Mom…

Chief’s Mom: Well. You’ve still got your father’s temper, I see.

Hobo Cop: HOZZAGE! Skidooooooooo! (he grabs the megaphone) Whats all these cats doin’ runnin’ on my leg? My finger says NO! Says I’m hungry! Where’s a flapjack? I seen da biggest octopus EVER! TWO FINGERS FER LICKIN’! Do dee o dee o dee o!

(Hobo Cop does a merry Hobo Dance. Chompsky shrugs his shoulders and throws down some change.)

Hobo Cop: (scrambles for the coins) Shut up, he ain’t talkin’ to you! Is so…is ain’t! IS SO…IS AIN’T, Joe!

Chompsky: Wow…I’ve never had something put into such perspective before…

Hobo Cop: Bukka bukka bukka! (starts peeing on the sidewalk)

Another Extra: The man is amazing.

Girl: Grandma, what’s that?

Chief’s Mom: Uh…(she turns her granddaughter around) that’s a pants ornament. Look at the stove for a minute.

Chompsky: (starts tearing up) I’m sorry, Hobo Cop, I understand all of my errs now. I’m coming down. And I’m releasing my hostage.

Chief’s Mom: Should I release mine, too, or wait a little bit? I don’t want to look like a copy cat.

Chief: She has homework.

Chief’s Mom: I think my hostage wants ice cream first.

Chompsky: You’re supposed to take them for ice cream? I’ve just been getting EVERYTHING wrong today.

Chief: NOBODY’S taking ANYBODY to ice cream! Now get down here, Chompsky! …And you, too, Mom!

(Chompsky comes out of the building slowly. He puts his hands up and stops in front of the huge barricade of cops and cars.)

Chompsky: (looks up behind him) Ma’am, aren’t you coming?

Chief’s Mom: Well, I WAS, but my son decided to be Ronnie Rude.

(The Chief rolls his eyes)

Chief’s Mom: I saw that!

Chompsky: Alright, it’s time I faced the music. Officers, I’m sorry I—HEY, LOOK OVER THERE! (he points to the open area in back of the cops. They immediately all turn around.) Suckers! (he runs off suddenly.)

Chief: GOD DAMNIT, not again! Get him, Hobo Cop!

Hobo Cop: RRRR!

(Hobo Cop zips his pants up and takes off in a chase after Chompsky. From here, the entire scene goes into slow-motion. Once the suspect’s in his sights, he pulls out one of his old, disheveled teeth and chucks it at him. Chompsky twists his face in disgust and throws back a handful of quarters. Hobo Cop is sidetracked, and dives for the money.)

Chief: Hooooooh-boooooh cop! Nnnnnoooooo!

(Hobo Cop comes to whatever senses he still has and takes off again. He swings his bindle around menacingly. He finally gets close enough and whacks Chompsky in the back with the bindle, and they fall over together. They roll around on the ground and finally come to a stop. Hobo Cop fishes through Chompsky’s pockets and pulls out a five dollar bill and a wet-nap. He waves both around like victory flags, laughing and wheezing as he does so. He rips open the wet-nap and washes his under-arms. The scene goes back to normal speed as the Chief and his entourage of officers and relatives catch up.)

Chief: Hobo Cop, you saved us all. How do you do it?

Hobo Cop: I says them muppets is corn.

Chief: You can say that again.

(Everybody starts laughing. Hobo Cop blows his nose in the wet-nap and offers it to the Chief’s Mom. She keeps laughing fakely and slaps him. Confused, he starts humping her leg. She continues to laugh with the crowd, but starts inching away, looking around herself nervously. Fade.)

]]> https://vorg.ca/76-HOBO-COP deadheidi Skit 2003-03-10T23:41:27+00:00 https://vorg.ca/76-HOBO-COP#replies https://vorg.ca/74-Guaranteed-to-offend-or-your-money-back Gary Collins: Hi, I’m Gary Collins. Are you tired of losing your street credits with the homies? (chuckle) Well, I sure was. But I don’t have to worry about being "square" in my neighborhood anymore. Not since I got my…(he motions off camera, and a black guy comes over to him. Gary puts his arms on his shoulders, displaying him.) Bristol and McBelzer ™ Disposable Black Man.

(Cut to Gary and the black guy walking on the street while people passing by stare at them. The black guy has a gigantic fake grin on his face.)

Gary: (VO) With my Disposable Black Man, I can walk the streets with pride, knowing that I, too, will be accepted into the Black Society.

(Gary Collins and the black guy walk over to an ice cream truck.)

Ice Cream Guy: What do you want?

Gary: (beams at the guy) Two chocolate fudges.

(Cut back to Gary)

Gary: It’s fun, it’s easy, and it’s a great way to show your friends your appreciation for diversity.

(Cut to a ritzy outdoor party with nothing but white people. Gary walks over to the host, who’s pouring punch.)

Host: Gary! I haven’t seen you in a year at least! And who’s this?

Gary: Why, this is Jamal Akeem Abdoul Jones Polanski, my new African American friend.

("Jamal" continues forcing his smile)

Host: Aren’t you adorable? Look, everybody, Gary’s got a black friend!

(Everybody crowds around them, oohing and ahhing.)

Gary: (VO) Your Disposable Black Man will be an instant hit at any social gathering. But that’s not all he’ll be good for. Check our fun and informative instruction manual for some great suggestions, such as…

(Cut to a picture of the black guy in a Star Trek uniform)

Gary: (VO) Obligatory ethnic balance in a Star Trek movie!

(Cut to a picture of the black guy in a chef’s outfit holding a spatula)

Gary: (VO) Short-Order cook…

(Cut to a picture of the black guy dressed as Phil Donahue, complete with glasses and white wig. He’s frozen in the moment, holding a mic to somebody in the audience)

Gary: Non-offensive yet no-nonsense talk show host, and many more.

(Cut to Gary)

Gary And clean-up couldn’t be easier. When done, simply toss your Disposable Black Man into your garbage recepticle.

(Cut to a crude drawing of one happy stick figure throwing a darker happy stick figure into a trash can)

Gary: No messy clean-up, no lingering odors. That’s the Bristol and McBelzer promise. And if you call us now, we’ll throw in the Bristol and McBelzer ™ Overgenerous Italian Mother as your free gift.

(Cut to a horribly stereotypical Italian lady shoving pasta into a man’s mouth from a pot with her wooden spoon)

Italian Mother: Who feed you these days? BUMS? Come on, we beef-a you up! You look-a GOOD. I make you.

Disposable Black Guy: (from a trashcan in the kitchen under the sink) What the hell are you doing? Let me the fuck outta here! I’m serious! I’m calling the union on your ass! What the hell’s going on out there? HELLO?

Man: (to the camera) Thanks, Gary!

(Back to Gary)

Gary: You’re certainly welcome. The Disposable Black Man—a product you can trust from a NAME you can trust. Gary Collins.

Voice from off-camera: BRISTOL AND McBELZER.

Gary: Er, Bristol and McBelzer. (he gives the camera a toothy grin.)
]]> https://vorg.ca/74-Guaranteed-to-offend-or-your-money-back deadheidi Skit 2003-03-10T20:20:08+00:00 https://vorg.ca/74-Guaranteed-to-offend-or-your-money-back#replies https://vorg.ca/73-Its-Ted-the-Fly (A family is eating their Tuesday night dinner in their dining room. The camera only shows the mother, Mrs. Nolby, as she speaks.)

Mrs. Nolby: (talking into her broccoli and chicken) So, thawed the chicken out. About time, I thought. Been in there for months, couldn’t have it freezer burn.

Bud Nolby: It’s good, mom.

Mrs. Nolby: Well, thank you, Bud. It’s a special occasion tonight. Your father made a big sale, didn’t you, Bill?

(Mr. Nolby glances downward and smiles proudly.)

Mrs. Nolby: Tell the kids, dear.

Mr. Nolby: Sold that washing machine in the front window.

Mrs. Nolby: That’s right! Kids, aren’t you proud?

Mr. Nolby: 45 dollars!

(Camera cuts to Penny, who nods happily and reaches for more milk. Then to Bud, who grins. Then to Ted, who’s a gigantic mutant fly. He buzzes a bit and goes back to regurgitating his food and lapping it back up with his weird bug toungue. Bud catapults a pea from his spoon at Ted.)

Ted: Zzz—OW! MOM!

Mrs. Nolby: Bud, don’t throw peas at your brother’s compound eye.

Bud: It slipped! It only hit his eyeball because it’s so huge…

Ted: Mom, Bud’s a buttplug!

Mrs. Nolby: DEAR!

Penny: Say BUM-plug in front of mom, Ted.

Mr. Nolby: Neither of you are saying ANYTHING plug-related around your mother.

Mrs. Nolby: (changes the subject eagerly) Dear, I think we have enough money to buy that nice new toaster at the Sear’s. Our old one’s getting pretty weathered…

(Cut to the old toaster. It hacks violently and a ball of hair pops out of the slot.)

Mr. Nolby: 45 dollars…(he he starts crying) Four years of MIT and I’m a used APPLIANCE salesman…it’s that god damned son of yours, Matilda! Nobody wants to hire the father of a GIANT HOUSEFLY!

Ted: STEP-father!

Mrs. Nolby: Darn it, Bill, don’t bring Ted into this again! He’s not the cause of all your problems!

(Bud and Penny look at each other and roll their eyes.)

Mr. Nolby: You’re right, Matilda. He’s not the cause, it was your INGENIUS idea to forget your pill when you and Dr. Insectia were banging each other!

Mrs. Nolby: When you’re with a supervillain, you don’t THINK about birth control. A mere mortal is overwhelmed by the situation when it arises. I’m only a woman, Bill! Can’t you see that? A WOMAN!

Mr. Nolby: (glares at Ted) Don’t smear that gook all over your plate, boy, we’re having a discussion.

Ted: (stops spitting up green goo onto his plate) I’m digesting!

Mr. Nolby: Young man, under MY roof, we digest INTERNALLY or we don’t digest at ALL.

Mrs. Nolby: (to Ted) Honey, wash that off before it eats through the ceramic.

Ted: He’s being unfair! You’re not my dad, you don’t even like me! Last Christmas I got a pet tarantula with YOUR name on the tag!

(Flashback to Christmas morning. Ted excitedly rips through the wrapping on a box with holes poked inside. He opens the box and shrieks in terror as a giant spider jumps on his face.)

Mr. Nolby: Well, I could’ve sworn that was a puppy when I was at the pet shop…heh, that’s bifocals for you.

(Return to present)

Mr. Nolby: Son, don’t stray from the point. You’re ruining MY life, here.

Ted: I’m not your son!

Mr. Nolby: I'm aware of that, you bizzare little twerp...

Bud: Can I get some more milk?

Mr. Nolby: NO.

Bud: The pitcher’s right there…

Mr. Nolby: I said no milk.

Ted: Or what about that game of tag last Sunday?

(Flashback to the weekend before. Ted runs for his life around the back yard as Mr. Nolby chases him with a giant rolled up newspaper.)

Mr. Nolby: You’re not being sporting, son!

(Return to present)

Mr. Nolby: You’re right, boy, I’ve had enough of you. I want him out, Matilda. He’s not furthering my career any and that washing his hands in his own excretions thing is just CREEPY.

Mrs. Nolby: He’s SPECIAL. (she gives Ted a hug and pulls away as she realizes he’s covered in fly goop.)

Ted: Well it’s fine by ME. I’m perfectly happy to go fly around in directionless loops ELSEWERE.

Mrs. Nolby: Don’t say that!

Mr. Nolby: Let him go, Tilda.

Ted: Yeah, mom, I can tell when I’m not wanted. I hover around and get swatted at a few dozen times, but I eventually leave.

(Without a word, Ted gets up from the table and walks out the door.)

Penny: Pass the milk?

Mr. Nolby: What is it with you kids and milk all of the sudden?

(A frantic buzzing sound comes from out the front door.)

Mr. Nolby: Jesus, what now?

(Mr. And Mrs. Nolby get up and open the door only to find Ted stuck to a piece of flypaper hanging above the porch, struggling madly)

Mr. Nolby: (glares at Mrs. Nolby) I changed the paper LAST time.

Mrs. Nolby: (sighs exhasperatedly) FINE…

(She goes back inside.)

(Fade. End. Whatever.)]]> https://vorg.ca/73-Its-Ted-the-Fly deadheidi Skit 2003-03-10T14:58:04+00:00 https://vorg.ca/73-Its-Ted-the-Fly#replies