TANK blog @ Vorg http://vorg.ca/~TANK All items Copyright 2001-2004 by their respective authors en-us https://vorg.ca/449-Not-a-good-one-no. https://vorg.ca/449-Not-a-good-one-no. TANK Weblog 2003-12-07T00:54:39+00:00 https://vorg.ca/449-Not-a-good-one-no.#replies https://vorg.ca/360-In-need-of-undead-related-humour. https://vorg.ca/360-In-need-of-undead-related-humour. TANK Weblog 2003-10-02T19:21:38+00:00 https://vorg.ca/360-In-need-of-undead-related-humour.#replies https://vorg.ca/353-A-game-show-a-serial-killer-and-Thelma
INT. GAME SHOW

A game show is in progress, there are three contestants, all
behind podiums. The Host walks into frame.

HOST
Welcome to "Behind that Door," the show where
our contestants answer questions, and then
find what what's...

AUDIENCE
BEHIND THAT DOOR!

HOST
Now, let's meet our contestants. Contestant
number one, tell us about yourself.

SAM
(in extremely dull manner)
Well, my name is Sam Flounder, and I'm an
accountant. My-

HOST
BORING! Contestant number two?

JAMES
My name's James Cutter, I'm, er, a newspaper
salesman. Yeah.

HOST
Contestant number three?

FRIEDA
(starry eyed)
My names Frieda. I like birdies.

HOST
I see. Well, now that we've met our conte-

CUT TO:

INT. NEWS ROOM

A newsman is sitting at his desk, with a picture of a fish to in
the news-picture-box-thing.

NEWSMAN
(reading from piece of paper)
We interrupt this program with some startling
news.
(he switches to a new piece of paper)
"Dear Harold, I've left you for the plumber."
(he realizes what he's reading)
My... my god... It... It can't be...

He starts crying as some of the filming crew comes to comfort
him.

CUT TO:

INT. NEWS ROOM- OTHER DESK

A different newsman is sitting at his desk, with a picture of
George W. Bush with a finger up his nose in the news-picture-box-
thing. The picture switches to the fish from before.

NEWSMAN 2
I'm sorry about that.
The notorious Fish Bandit
(the picture is replace by one of the
Fish Bandit)
has escaped from prison. He escaped when a
guard mistakenly served him mackerel instead
of his usual moldy bread. The guard is
survived by a wife and two daughters.
(he switches to a new piece of paper)
The Fish Bandit should be considered armed
and dangerous, as he apparently stopped by a
pet shop and seized two large guppies. We now
return you to your regularly scheduled
program.

CUT TO:

INT. GAME SHOW

HOST
And that buzzer means that the Q&A portion of
the show has ended! So lets move on to
discovering what's-

AUDIENCE
BEHIND THAT DOOR!

HOST
Hey! I was gonna say that! Anyway, the winner
of our Q&A portion was Frieda, so she will be
the one to discover what's-

AUDIENCE
BEHIND THAT DOOR!

HOST
Dammit... Stupid rassem frassem...
(clears his throat)
As I was saying before was so RUDELY
interrupted, she will be the one to look-

AUDIENCE
BEHIND THAT DOOR!

HOST
(his eye starts twitching)
What... did you... say?

AUDIENCE
(unsure)
BEHIND THAT DOOR?!

HOST
Yeah, well DON'T SAY IT AGAIN! Just because
this show is named-

AUDIENCE
BEHIND THAT DOOR!

HOST
HEY! YOU CAN ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP, HUH? I'M
THE HOST, NOT YOU MORONS! IF I TELL YOU TO
SHUT THE FUCK UP, THEN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!
(he takes some deep breathes)
Frieda, why don't you come on up here.

We see the Fish Bandit behind Frieda's podium covered in blood,
holding a goldfish. Frieda's legs stick out from behind the
podium.

FISH BANDIT
Uh... Okay.

He approaches the host.

HOST
Well, Frieda, you've won our question and
answer section. Now it's time to pick your
prize! However, you must first pick a door
for my lovely assistant Thelma
(enter Thelma)
to open. Whatever is-

MAN IN AUDIENCE
BEHIND THAT-
(he is shot)
UGH!

We see the host holding a smoking pistol.

HOST
-behind that door is your prize. So, which
door will it be?

FISH BANDIT
(nervously)
Uh... I plead the fifth!

HOST
The fifth door? Alright! Thelma, show lovely
Frieda what she's won!

Thelma opens a door with a big "5" on it. A body falls out with a
swordfish sticking in it's chest. The Fish Bandit grins
nervously.
]]> https://vorg.ca/353-A-game-show-a-serial-killer-and-Thelma TANK Skit 2003-10-02T14:26:06+00:00 https://vorg.ca/353-A-game-show-a-serial-killer-and-Thelma#replies https://vorg.ca/347-The-requested-TOP-10-or-so-things-TANK-finds-funny.
1. Assaulting people.
2. Assaulting people's beliefs.
3. Assaulting people's expectations.
4. Assaulting people verbally.
5. Your face.
6. Insanity.
7. Anything on this list done gratuitiously.
9. Saskatchewan.
10. Irony.
11. Stupid people.
12. Me.]]> https://vorg.ca/347-The-requested-TOP-10-or-so-things-TANK-finds-funny. TANK Weblog 2003-09-28T20:01:50+00:00 https://vorg.ca/347-The-requested-TOP-10-or-so-things-TANK-finds-funny.#replies https://vorg.ca/328-My-review by Jon Horowitz:

Suck.]]> https://vorg.ca/328-My-review TANK Weblog 2003-09-17T10:54:20+00:00 https://vorg.ca/328-My-review#replies https://vorg.ca/322-Totally-Random-Humor [ scene: a bar, of course ]

[ A nun and the duck enter the bar, which is empty except for the bartender. They approach the bar. ]

Duck: Bartender, two beers.

Bartender: Sure. what kind?

Duck: Raw fish. Shaken, not stirred. And my friend here will have a dead platypus.

BT: Dead whatapus?

Duck: PLATYPUS! A small mammal, the duckbilled platypus is one of only two mammals that lay eggs. The platypus..

BT: (interrupting) Uh, we don't have any of them.

Nun: Do I have any lines?

Duck: (checking script) No. Sorry.

Nun: Psh. **** this, then.

[ nun leaves ]

Duck: Uh, yeah.

[ the bartender coughs loudly, making the duck jump ]

Duck: Um... (glances at script) Nevermind about the platypus, just gimme some fish.

[ The bartender reaches behind the bar, grabs a fish, and throws it at the duck. ]

BT: WE DON'T SERVE DUCKS!

Narrator: Yes, it was another normal day for Howard D. Duck, professional duck. However, that was all about to change...

[ Duck explodes. ]

BT: Yuck, not again! Stupid exploding waterfowl!

[ Cut to a man standing in front of a generic logo ]

Man: Are YOU plagued with exploding waterfowl? What about fiery buttweasels? Or omnipotent green guys named Wally (ponders last line with a "what the hell?" kinda expression)? We here at Waterfowl, Weasels, and Wally, TM, can help.

[ Man from off-screen pushes first man away. ]

2nd Man: Yes, we here at Waterfowl, Weasels, and Wally, TM, have over SIX MINUTES of combined experience-

[ 1st man punches 2nd man in the stomach, 2nd man crawls off screen. ]

1st Man: Over 16 YEARS of combined experience at ridding the world of the letter W.

[ Cut to the set of Sesame Street. ]

Elmo: This episode of sesame street is brought to you by: the letter W!

Superimposed caption: W.

[ 1st and second man, along with the BT, the Nun, and the Duck, rush out and brutally destroy the set and cast. The Nun notices the camera with W on it, and throws Elmo's head at the camera, knocking it over. Scene switches to the president giving a speech. ]

Dubya: The Democrats treat Social Security like its some kind of federal program!

[ 16 ton weight drops on Bush. ]

[ Picture of letter read in John Cleese-style voice ]

Cleese: Dear sirs, I object, in the strongest possible terms, to the obvious theft of Monty Python's 16 ton weight-

[ Terry Gilliam style samurai, with a crossed out W on his chest, cuts through the letter, while the reader continues. ]

Cleese: I mean, what if I were to steal your gags? If you bloody HAD any. Stupid whippersnapper comedy sketch acts... grrr...

[ Film of Gumbys saying "And now-" ]

[cut to the newt sketch, which may be posted later, if I ever finish it ]]]> https://vorg.ca/322-Totally-Random-Humor TANK Skit 2003-09-16T08:52:14+00:00 https://vorg.ca/322-Totally-Random-Humor#replies https://vorg.ca/267-More-insanity-from-the-depths-of-my-deranged-mind. [ Cut to christmas carolers. They're singing (badly) "Silent Night" except for Billy, who's singing "YMCA". ]

Billy: It's fun to stay at the/ Y M C A/ it's-

Mr. Man: Billy, what are you doing?

Billy: Disco forever! Woo!

[ Billy starts dancing disco style, while "Stayin' Alive" plays in background and disco lights flash. Billy takes out a big gold chain, and twirls it around his head. ]

Billy: Woo! Woo! Can you feel it? Woo!

Mr. Man: Billy, we're singing christmas carols. I feel that what you are singing is inappropriate for this occasion. Besides, everyone hates disco.

Billy: (Looking deranged) NO! You LOVE disco! EVERYONE LOVES DISCO! EVERYONE, DO YOU HEAR?

Mr. Man: Now Billy, let's not become deranged. Instead, let's have a group hug!

Billy: YOU! IT WAS YOU! (pointing at Mr. Man and frothing at the mouth)

Mr. Man: What are you talking about?

Billy: YOU KILLED THE VILLAGE PEOPLE! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! DIE, DOG! (Billy attacks Mr. Man with a broken strobe light that he produced from thin air)

Mr. Man: Alright, I confess! But you'll never catch me!

Billy: Bah!

[ Billy smacks Mr. Man with the strobe light. Right before it hits, there is a "Batman" style caption thing that says "Mack mack mack!" Then we see Billy standing over Mr. Man, who is cringing ]

Billy: Call me daddy!

Caption: Disco Avenger!

Cut to newscaster.

Newsie: And that's the preview of our film of the night, Disco Avenger. And we'll have the weather, right after this.

[ Cut to ocean. An announcer walks on-screen. ]

Announcer: Are you tired of deodorants that smell like pine or mint, but still want a deodorant that will tell people "I'm manly! I kill grizzlies with my bare hands!"?

[ Holds up deodorant stick. ]

Announcer: Then try new "PitStick" stick deodorant! Yes, "PitStick" is the only armpit-scented deodorant on the market! With it's revolutionary ingredient "sweat," "PitStick" makes you smell like a real man!

[ Sniffs pits. ]

Announcer: *Sniff sniff* Aaah... natural armpit scent.

Caption: PITSTICK. Smell like God intended you to.

Quick voice: Also available, Pisscent, the new urine scented toilet-bowl cleaner!]]> https://vorg.ca/267-More-insanity-from-the-depths-of-my-deranged-mind. TANK Skit 2003-08-01T00:24:28+00:00 https://vorg.ca/267-More-insanity-from-the-depths-of-my-deranged-mind.#replies https://vorg.ca/265-The-Inspector-Sketch [ Cut to police office. Police Commissioner and a policeman are sitting down, shuffling through papers and looking concerned. ]

Commissioner: Hmm, this is quite a case. I'm not sure I can handle this alone.

Cop: Sir, why not send for Inspector Headcase?

Com: Good idea! I'll fetch him.

[ Commissioner walks out the door, while the cop looks around nervously. dramatic music plays in the background. After a bit of this, the camera pans to the cops face, now drenched in sweat. the music swells. Suddenly, a loud crash is heard. ]

Headcase (falling through window): Uh! Who put that there?

[ Headcase starts looking at the window, obviously frightened. ]

Commish (coming through door): Headcase, we have something for you to investigate.

[ Headcase is hiding under the commish's desk. ]

Headcase: Aha! I've found the perp!

[ He starts chewing on his shoe thoughtfully, looking at the commish. ]

Cop: Er, shouldn't you review the case first, Inspector?

Headcase: (shouting): I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, DEEDELY DEE!

Caption: Later...

[ We see headcase banging his head against a wall, while Mrs. Widow explains the murder of her husband. The outline of her husbands body is on the floor, in a disco position. ]

Widow (crying): And then the man *sniff* pulled a *sniff* gun, and-

Headcase: (pointing at the outline) Aha! A clue!

[ Headcase examines the outline for about 10 seconds, then jumps up, frightened ]

Headcase: Gasp (spoken, not gasped)! There's been a murder! I'm outta here!

[ He runs into the wall, and falls over, unconscious. The woman shrugs, and leaves room. Headcase wakes up, and takes a candy out of his pocket. Zoom in on candy. Wrapper says "ANAL CANDY". ]

[ cut to "Anal Candy" skit, which probably won't be posted, as it wasn't written by me ]]]> https://vorg.ca/265-The-Inspector-Sketch TANK Skit 2003-07-29T19:22:25+00:00 https://vorg.ca/265-The-Inspector-Sketch#replies https://vorg.ca/262-The-weather-today... (Cut to weatherman standing in front of map of the USA.)

Weatherman: Hello, and welcome back. I'm Weatherman McWeatherman, and this is the weather for the week. Tonight, a cold front will move into your house, causing tempartures in the low fourties.

(puts label on Michigan that says "Your House")

WM: It will continue until Tuesday, when hurricane Willie will hit your backyard, here.

(puts label behind first label, it says "Your Backyard")

WM: Willie is expected to cause sever damage to your dog.

(puts stuffed dog on Michigan, someone off camera barks and yips until the weatherman smacks the dog. it whimpers, then shuts up)

WM: The areas of your dog expected to get hit worse are the limbs and tail.

(takes out pocket knife, chops off dogs limbs and tail while dog does a doggy-scream thing)

WM: Wednesday is expected to bring sun, with highs in the 80's, but watch out for ants if you're going on a picnic, because according to leading opthomalogists, this is the biggest day of the season for ants. I had to postpone my plans, so I brought this homemade jelly to work!

(takes out open can of jelly and places it on dog, huge puppet-ant comes and starts eating the jelly while the dog screams)

WM: Thursday will be around 60 degrees and partly cloudy, with a 10 percent chance of rain.

(ant leaves. nothing else happens.)

Dog: phew!

WM: Friday, look for highs in the mid- 70's, and watch for rock slides.

(rocks drop on dog while it makes more cute doggy noises of agony)

WM: Saturday, look for highs in the upper 70's, with an 80 percent chance of evil Martians taking over the world.

(Martians walk on camera, take out probe thing, grin at each other, and take dog off stage while it screams)

WM: And Sunday, we can look forward to clear skies, highs in the low 80's, and the Inspector sketch.

(cut to Inspector sketch, which may or may not be posted later)]]> https://vorg.ca/262-The-weather-today... TANK Skit 2003-07-27T21:41:42+00:00 https://vorg.ca/262-The-weather-today...#replies