[A man is sitting in a grand, wooden chair, reading a leather bound book alone in a very Victorian looking library. He is old, with white hair, a beard, and thick black rimmed glasses. He has on a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. He looks up from his book and faces the camera.]

Host: Good evening. There are certain events which shape our world history. Occurrences, which, had they never happen, would profoundly alter the world we live in. What if the attack on Pearl Harbor had been prevented? What if Jesus had not been crucified? And so on. Here on 'The Possibility of Things', we try to imagine, as best we can, how history would have been reshaped, based on provocative 'what if' questions. Tonight, we try to answer our most popular web 'what if'.

[Host closes his book, and picks up another one]

Host: (In a theatrical voice) What if King Kong had survived!?

[Strange music and fade effects. In black and white, we see King Kong fall to the ground. Onlookers are stunned. Just then everything is colorized, and King Kong slowly sits up]

King Kong (KK): Ugh, fall hurt head. Ability to speak, gained.

[A very 50's looking reporter, with a short sleeve white shirt, glasses, and a 'press' sign in his hat, holds a notepad and pen up to KK]

Reporter: Mr. Kong, you've just survived a fall from the Empire State Building. What are you gonna do now?

KK: King Kong sue US government. Basic human rights violated by army attack!

Reporter: But forgetting that you aren't human, where would you ever find a lawyer willing to represent you?

[KK pauses]

KK: Then King Kong become lawyer!

[Various shots of people gasping; a businessman, a little girl, an old man with a cane, and then there's a cab driver who is just around smoking. He 'realizes' he's being watched and looks into the camera]

Cabbie: Eh, you drive a hack in dis town long enough, ain't nothin gonna surprise you.

[Inspirational music plays as we see a montage of KK reading impossibly small books outside a library, reading books late at night lying on a rooftop, using a street lamp for light, filling out forms with the aid of a huge magnifying glass, and finally receiving a tiny letter admitting him to law school]

Narrator: (in a very 50's narrator voice]And so, despite all his obstacles, King Kong succeeds where so many foreigners fail, and begins his time at New York law school.

[Montage resumes as we see KK go through law school right up to graduation. As the music ends the camera pans from graduation to the NY Court House, with a storm brewing overhead]

[On a black screen white letters appear saying '5 months later']

[A judge is handed a verdict, in an open air court room, he reads it to himself while maintaining a poker face]

[KK appears very nervous, pulling on his nice tie (no suit) and sweating]

Judge: On the sole count, King Horatio Kong versus the United States Army, The National Guard, and the New York Police department, how do you find?

[Cut to the jury box, filled with assorted primates]

Foreman Orangutan: Ooh ooh aah eeh!

[Subtitles, 5 Million dollars to be awarded to the plaintiff from each respective organization]

[KK celebrates as a bunch of army people storm out unhappily]

General: Damn jury of his peers!

[We then see in the courtroom, standing next to each other a little boy, an attractive woman, and a gorilla]

Boy: You were right Mr. Kong, I only needed to believe in myself. I'm gonna follow my dreams from now on and stay off the smack.

Woman: I've decided Kingy, I will marry you.

Gorilla. Ooh ugh, uh uh.

[Subtitle, I forgive you for not growing up to be a geographical surveyor, I love you son]

[Shot zooms in on KK's face]

KK: Yabba dabba dooo!

[Fade out, back to the old man in the library]

Host: There you have it ladies and gentleman, the alternate fate of King Kong, as calculated to a mathematical certainty. Join us next week for 'What if The Dukes of Hazzard was set under the sea? '

[Two guys, one white, one black, are walking down the street, one of them is eating muffin.]

[A cop car pulls up with its sirens on. An officer steps out]

Cop: Sorry, but you know the law. No sharing of any food with non-family members. Not in public anyway. I'll have to write it up.

Joe: What, come on.

Kieth: I can't believe they passed that law.

[The cop shrugs, and walks to his car to write their ticket]

Kieth: Hey, you still have a knife on you.

Joe: Damn! That's a great idea!

[The cop turns around with his ticket and sees the boys hands pressed against each other with blood dripping down.]

Joe: Ha! You can't touch us now.

Kieth: That's right. We're blood brothers!

Cop: I can't believe they passed that law.

[The cop walks away]

Joe: Hey wait a second, don't you have Hep C?

//

[A guy is sitting in a chair in his apartment watching TV]

TV: Want us to prove how good it is? Call us and we'll buy you a free bar of Old Spice. Limit one per household.

[The guy dials on his phone]

Operator: Old Spice, how can I help you.

Guy: Yeah I want a free bar of Old Spice. My Address is 5489, Arvin. I live in New York. Apartment 203.

Operator: Oh' I'm sorry sir. Limit of one per address.

Guy: What? I never asked for one before.

Operator: Well, sir, you live in an apartment building. If anyone in your building has ever gotten a free stick you can't. And my records say someone has.

Guy. Hmmm?.

Operator: Sir?

Guy: Was it Jimmy?

Operator: Pardon.

Guy: Jimmy, was it Jimmy? Oh, that son of a bitch!

Operator:: Sir, I don't know any Jimmy's.

Guy: It WAS Jimmy, wasn't it!

Operator: I'm sorry sir, you're not making any sense.

Guy: [yelling] Bastard! I'm gonna kill him.

[Scene shifts to a detective hunched over a corpse with a knife in his chest. A detective in the background has Guy in cuffs.]

Detective w/Guy: You're under arrest, for murder.

Detective w/body: Hey Max. Never mind, it's only Jimmy.

[Guy is let out of his cuffs]

Detective w/Guy: Sorry about the misunderstanding.

Detective w/body: Nice part of town, you think I could get a good deal on his place?

[A dark stadium is packed to capacity, the lighting is very low with only a spotlight on a podium in the center. There are quiet whispers in the air. The podium can be seen on screens on all four sides of the jumbotron. A tall, clean-cut man walks onto the stage and get sup to the podium. He is in his late fifties, has short gray hair, and is wearing an expensive suit. The crowd goes silent.]

Leader: (into microphone) [coughs] Greetings, brothers. I welcome all of you to the 233^rd annual meeting of the brotherhood of manocracy. Let us all engage in the ceremonial greeting.

[The stadium erupts in crude grunts, the jumbotron shows Tim Allen grunting in his seat. Realizing he's on screen he waves. The screens return to the podium.]

Leader: Well done. First I would like to recognize some noteworthy members in attendance tonight.

[Jumbotorn shows George Bush, Bill Clinton, and Rudy Giulianni (sitting together), who all smile and wave. Then Jerry Seinfeld who gives thumbs up. Finally Janet Reno as she is beating Arnold Schwarzenneger at arm wrestling.]

Leader: Brothers I have urgent business to discuss with you. As you all know, women have become more of a problem in the last three decades ever since they began to move forwards in their campaign for equal rights.

[The crowd groans.]

Leaders: Brothers, brothers. Calm down. Now unfortunately our initial predictions proved inaccurate. Women did not, as expected, [looks down and reads from a sheet of paper] get bored with it and go back to knitting. Luckily recent efforts to distract them have proved very successful. They have been greatly offset from their efforts towards advancements by common stupidities. We owe much to our brethren who have served the cause tirelessly

[A montage is shown on the jumbotron featuring Ricky Martin, The Backstreet Boys, and Joe Millionaire.]

Leaders: But their haze of fascination with sub-par pop culture shan't last forever. Or maybe it will, but we can't take that chance. A top agent of ours has just returned from deep cover.

Crowd member: (yells) Like Sorority Boys?

[Laughter]

Leader: Deeper.

[Gasps fill the stadium, a few people faint.]

Leader: He will introduce himself shortly, and then he will answer any questions you have just go up to the microphone near your seats. Gentlemen, I present to you, a top member of the men's affairs department in the CIA, secret agent Arvin Horton. Agent Horton, if you will.

[Arvin Horton goes up to the podium. He looks around 20, he has short brown hair, and is wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.]

Arvin: Brothers. I bring grave tidings. For one semester I have been in the center of a women's information gathering group. A class on Feminism in Art and Art History.

[The crowd shudders]

Crowd member(2): (yells) You're a hero!

Arvin: Women suspect the Manocracy. They know not of its form but they are aware that a man controlled society is keeping them down. I do not believe they have any specific information however, and many amongst their camp dismiss it as paranoid, but this is indeed a frightful development. Furthermore they are aware of the phallocracy. Also they are organizing. Slowly, and not on a level close to ours, but we indeed have cause for alarm. I will now take questions.

Crowd Member(3): How much do they know about the phallocracy?

Arvin: That sports cars are just glorified mechanic representations of penises has been common knowledge for some time. From what I gather they have theories but nothing definite. They know we live in a society focused on shapes but the conspiracies of such things as skyscrapers, or trains, or street lights is safe.

Crowd Member(3): And the Washington Monument?

Arvin: How they miss that, I'll never know.

Leader: I should point out our plan to increase phallic structures and symbols in society 20% over the next years is on track.

Crowd member(4): What about our plan to keep women thin and hot.

Arvin: I'm glad to say the chips we implanted in fashion magazine editors continue to function optimally. They will continue to put super thin hotties on magazine covers, and there is no knowledge of the chips.

Crowd member(5): I haven't been laid in years. What's the Manocracy doing for me?

Leader: I'll field this one. Starting next month beer will hit women 2.5 times harder than men. Getting them drunk will never have been easier. They won't know up from down.

Crowd member(5): Oh, God bless your sir. You and you organization.

Crowd member(6): You say they are making progress, how can we keep this from impeding our goals.

Leader: I assure you good sir, our goals are within reach. More and more lesbians who are less and less self conscious. Men watching hours of TV without the wife nagging. Coming home drunk and being treated like a conquering hero. Chemicals in the water supply that reduce womens' desire for commitment. And of course, a law on the books that no doesn't always mean no.

[Hoots and cheering erupt but fall silent as the leader motions for silence.]

Crowd member(7): What plans to you have to keep women pacified so we men can continue our clandestine actions?

Leader: Well you may have noticed Ally Macbeal was cancelled. David E. Kelly was threatened with treason if he continued to write episodes of it. Future plans include more Charlie's Angels movies to make women think they can do anything men can.

Crowd member(7): What if they don't go to movies.

Leader: I'm glad you asked. That's why we run Secret deodorant ads that try to make women think they can be strong and beautiful all at once.

[Everyone starts laughing, after about half a minute the laughter dies down.]

Leader: Oh, but seriously. Also we plan to have our operatives in media portray women dating desirable men portrayed as bimbos. We feel this will cause more women to associate passivity and lack of assertiveness as qualities of women who get the good men. Hopefully. Also, soap operas will contain subliminal messages causing women to be more passive, and at the same time sexually wanting. My brothers, we will indeed stride into this new century dominant, and successful. Regrettably , I have to go now. The wife gets awful mad if I get home late.

[Crowd 'awwws']

Leader: But if all goes as plan she'll soon be telling me that the later I stay out the more time she has to cook for me before I arrive! That is the dream!

[Crowd cheers]

Arvin: Oh, uh, I guess this leaves the meeting to me. So….. I move we all go for ribs!

Crowd member(8): And I attach the rider that we get really drunk too!

Arvin: All in favor?

[Aye echoes through the stadium]

Arvin: The ayes have it. Alright, let's go. Last one there watches Sex and the City!

[A happy young couple are holding each other as they watch their son driving in the foreground with a 'powerwheels' jeep]

Child: Wheee! Powerwheels!

Mother: Oh, honey. I'm so glad you bought him that, he's having so much fun.

Father: Well, I know you were worried but look at how well he drives that thing. Maybe our boy'll grow up to drive racecars.

Mother: Oh, everything is so perfect for us.

[The son stops driving to wave at his parents, they wave back. While the jeep is still stopped, it spontaneously flips over, sets on fire, and explodes. There is a look of shock and terror on the parent's faces.]

[Scene shifts to a cemetery, everyone is wearing black, and the mother is bent over the casket crying. From the mourners one person turns toward the camera as it zooms in on his face. He takes off his sunglasses and fixes a stern gaze straight ahead]

Man: Do you feel that you, or your family should be included in the class action law suit now facing Firestone?