A girl in her early twenties with a faint neck scar is onthe phone with her aunt. 

Aunt: “So, this will be a wonderful Passover dinnerwe’re having tonight”

Girl (fighting despondency): “Yes.  Mom’s been working hard to make the holidaymeatballs.”

Aunt: “We’ll get all dressed up.  You know this will be a good chance for youto wear that necklace I bought you to cover up that scar of yours.  You ever wear that necklace?”

Girl: “Yes. Yes, I wear the necklace.”

Aunt: “You know, I used to give you lots ofgifts.  You loved me more than yourmother when you were a child.”

Girl: “Well, I guess we’ll see you later.”

Aunt: “More than your own mother.”

Girl: “Imagine that.”

Later that evening...

Doorbell rings. Girl takes a deep breath.  She iswearing a hideously flashy choker that is too tight on her.  Girl opens the front door to reveal a small,red-haired woman with extremely bright lipstick. 

“Hi!!!!!  How are youdear?  Oh.  That necklace doesn’t cover your neck scar.  I can see your neck scar.  There it is.”  she says, poking at the girl.

“Yes, well, why don’t you come in?” answers the girl.

“My son, the doctor, will be arriving late.  He probably had an emergency at thehospital.  He’s a doctor, you know.  He just gave me a colonoscopy last week.”

“Oh, you brought wine,” says the girl, slipping into thekitchen with the wrapped bottle.

Aunt, yelling to her: “Now that you’re older, I thinkyou’re ready for my Barry.”

Girl (from the kitchen): “Uh.  He’s my cousin.”

Aunt (applying even more lipstick): “He’s a doctoryou know.”

Girl returns to the living room with a half-empty glassof wine. 

Aunt looks her up and down: “He wouldn’t haveleft a scar on your neck.”

Girl: “He’s an ass surgeon.”

Aunt: “Hmmm. I wonder what’s keeping him.”

Girl’s sister enters the room. 

Aunt: “Hello gorgeous!  Look at you with those hips and that hair.  Do you ever try the Lambada?  You look like you could try that sexydance.”

The sister smiles and skips off into the kitchen whilethe girl takes a few sips of her wine.

The doorbell rings. It’s Barry. 

“Sorry I’m late.”

Mother (from the kitchen): “It’s fine. Let’s eateverybody!”

The family of cousins, aunts, and uncles gathers at thetable. 

Aunt (to her son, Barry): “You know Myriam from theold neighboorhood told me that you scoped her cousin Phyllis.”

Barry: “Mmm. These are good matzah balls. Yeah, the name Phyllis sounds familiar. Does she have a big ass?”

Aunt: “Not any more. She had plastic surgery and they sucked the fat out with a tube.  Pass the meatballs.”

Girl: “Pass the Diet Pepsi please.”  The wine has disappointed her.  She is fully sober.

Aunt (resting her hand on the girl’s shoulder):“Barry, maybe you could do plastic surgery for her.  Because of the neck scar. The necklace doesn’t cover it.

Barry (chewing on some beef): “Ma, I’m an asssurgeon.”

Aunt: “Well, I hope Phyllis doesn’t have anypolyps.  Mmm, these meatballs are sweetand sour at the same time!” (talking to the attractive sister): “Honey,why don’t you teach your sister the Lambada?” she says snapping herfingers with Latin flair.  “Then Barrywill start to notice you!”

Girl: “You know what’s missing from the seder platethis year?  Heroin.  Yep, this meal could definitely use someheroin”.

Aunt: “What’s that dear?”

Girl: “Oh, I was just wondering if someone could passthe bitter herb.”

Mom: “We forgot the toast everybody!!  Raise your glasses to celebrate ourliberation as a people.  The sufferingof our ancestors is over and now we can enjoy this lovely meal together!”

Cinderella is standing shyly in a bar. She is dressed in standard Cinderella garb.   Some guy comes over to her and she thinks he wants to ask her to dance but he’s only just reaching for the beer behind her.  She looks on eagerly as the next prospect approaches.  A guy asks her for the time and then leaves with his girlfriend.

Cinderella leaves the bar at the end of the night and climbs into her gold covered coach in the parking lot.  She shrugs at her fairy godmother as if to say “no luck this time”.

Cut to her using an online dating service the next day.  She’s listing her interests.

 “I like balls, magic wands, and lots of charm.” 

She clicks “send,” closes her eyes, and crosses her fingers. The phone rings.  She is delightfully surprised.  She answers the phone and a huge smile appears across her face.  She nods a few times and then hangs up.  She runs over to her stereo and presses “play.”  “I Finally Found Someone” by Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams plays over clips from the date that follows (except when other sounds are needed).

We see the pair in a movie theatre at a showing of “House of 1000 Corpses.”  Cinderella’s date is a 21-year virgin.  He has a bag of popcorn on his lap and he is enjoying the film.  Cinderella looks like she is trying her best to have a good time.  She reaches for some of the popcorn but her date puts the bag down on the floor without noticing her efforts, as he is too engrossed in the movie. He then plops his hand on one of her breasts while continuing to watch the film.  She looks at him in confusion and he glances at her while smiling and nodding for a few seconds but then returns to the film keeping his hand in place.  Cinderella looks around and observes the other couples in the theatre.  Many of the women are yawning or filing their nails while the men watch the movie with one of their hands on a female breast.

Next, they are in a smoky, grungy club where Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” has gotten the virgin all riled up.  He is gyrating wildly on the dance floor while Cinderella tries her best to follow his lead.  She stumbles a little as the heel to her glass pump breaks.  Somebody puts a cigarette out in her crinoline.

The date has come to an end.  They are in the virgin’s Civic, which is parked outside of Cinderella’s house.  The virgin turns off the ignition, looks at her with an eager, boyish grin and hits a button near the steering wheel.  All of a sudden, her seat goes flying back, leaving her in a horizontal position. 

“Oh, my tiara...” she says, trying to reach for the fallen crown.

“Wanna do it?” asks the virgin, ignoring her struggle to find the tiara.

“Um.  It’s past midnight.  It’s getting kind of late,” says Cinderella awkwardly trying to affix her tiara while in such an uncomfortable position.

“So?”

“Well, it’s just that I’m not even supposed to be out and my sister’s going to kill me if she finds out I ruined her shoe.”

“It’s like...I really feel we belong together, you know?  We like spoke a lot and stuff...AND it was a pretty expensive date,” protests the virgin.

“I know--I paid for it,” retorts Cinderella.

“Okay, goodnight.  I’ll call you,” says the virgin while trying to caress her hair. 

“Ouch, why do you gotta wear all this stuff” he says, referring to the jewels in her doo.

Long pause. 

“Because I’m Cinderfuckingrella” she screams while hitting him in the head with her purse, “and you’re a fucking idiot!!!”  She gets out of the car and slams the door shut.  She walks a few feet from the car and smiles to herself.  She pulls out a machine gun from her purse and blasts the car with bullets.

A few days later...

Cinderella’s watching TV and eating ice cream.  The phone rings.  She picks it up and smiles.  She hangs up, runs over to her stereo and presses play.  “I Finally Found Someone” comes on again and she skips off to her room to get ready for the evening ahead.