Setting: A very expensive restaurant, with one table at the center of the stage, no tablecloth. A coat stand is between the table and the kitchen doors on the right.

Characters:
James Porter: Upper class executive, tall, dignified, sophisticated, distinguished, clean-cut, hundred dollar haircut, late thirties to early fifties. He is extremely well-dressed in a navy blue pinstriped business suit, red patterned silk tie and pocket handkerchief, red suspenders, black dress shoes polished like mirrors, starched white shirt, black overcoat, silk scarf, leather gloves, Rolex and briefcase. He is the epitome of the successful businessman, with a confident demeanor and walk. At the beginning, he is the very model of the self-assured, slightly arrogant captain of finance. He could be a diplomat or a senator.


Carl: The waiter, thirties to forties, thin and dressed in a waiter’s uniform, always smiling, speaks in a soft voice that never gets excited - unless he has to.

Mr. Shlemon: Stuffy exec, 60's.

Hank: 50s, dressed in a cheap suit.

Mr. Everett: 30, another well-dressed executive, very similar to Porter but younger and cockier, black overcoat, charcoal business suit, red tie, white shirt, black tasseled loafers, hair gel, cell phone.



At the opening, Mr. Porter is alone, waiting to be seated. He takes off his overcoat, scarf and gloves, straightens his tie and suit jacket and checks his shoes to see if they are properly shined. Carl appears and quickly walks over to Mr. Porter and leads him to the table, and hands him the menu as he sits and puts the briefcase down.

Carl: (taking the overcoat, scarf and gloves and hanging them on the coat stand) Here you are sir! And will sir be dining alone today?

Mr. Porter: No I will be meeting a Mister Shlemon. I’m early…

Carl: That's fine, sir! May I say what a pleasure it is to have such a distinguished gentleman in our restaurant!

Mr. Porter: (somewhat condescendingly, as if accustomed to such praise) Hmm? Oh, yes, thank you very much...
(Carl leaves)

Mr. Porter puts on his glasses and sits quietly for a moment, studying the menu. Carl then returns and walks up to the table:

Carl: Sir, I…

Mr. Porter: (looks over his glasses) I think I’ll wait to order.

Carl: It’s not that sir. I’m afraid I must inform you that…there seems to have been a complaint, in fact several complaints. They are in regards to yourself, sir!

Mr. Porter: (raising his eyebrows) What? A complaint? About ME?

Carl: Well, sir, here at Chez Grand, we are very proud of our extremely quiet ambience.

Mr. Porter: (sitting with his legs crossed and his right shoe clearly visible) Well? What has that go to do with me?

Carl: Well, sir, it seems that you are disturbing the patrons with your…noise. It’s those…(he points to Mr. Porter’s shoes)

Mr. Porter: (takes off his glasses) My SHOES?

Carl: Yes...Sir; I’m afraid that the squeaking is becoming intolerable. THERE…I just heard it again! We have had several complaints…

Mr. Porter: (with irritation) My shoes do NOT squeak! These are five hundred dollar shoes handmade in London!

Carl: Sir, please, I must ask you to maintain your composure.

Mr. Porter: (calmly) Very well…what am I supposed to do about it? I can’t leave. This is the most important meeting of my professional career! My colleagues will be here shortly, and I can’t reach them…

Carl: Sir, I am afraid I must insist that you take off your shoes.

Mr. Porter: (silent for a second, stunned) WHAT!

Carl: Sir, I have asked you not to get excited. I must insist…

Mr. Porter: You expect me to sit here with my SHOES off? ME! In my BUSINESS SUIT?...

Carl: If you do not comply…

Mr. Porter: You’ll WHAT?!

Carl: Is sir threatening me? I may have to call the police.

Mr. Porter: (forcing himself to be calm) The police...no..no…it’s just that…surely you can’t expect me, a man in my position, to have his dignity…someone like YOU, a MENIAL WORKER, cannot realize...

Carl: (holds out his hand) Your shoes, sir. Step out of them and give them to me.

Mr. Porter, in one last desperate attempt to keep his shoes, stands and walks up and down and points to them.


Mr. Porter: (for the first time coming down slightly off his high horse) You see! Not a sound! (appeals to Carl) I just had them polished. I have a very important position! Perhaps someone in YOUR position doesn't realize...

Carl: (puts his hands over his ears and winces, then uncovers them) Sir! Please! The squeaking! You MUST comply! Now, sir. NOW!!

Mr. Porter: (angrily admits defeat) ALRIGHT! YOU WIN! I'll take my shoes off! This is ridiculous! (He sits down unties his shoes and very slowly, grudgingly pulls them off his feet.)

Carl: (Picks up the shoes and holds them up, looks inside) Yes, made in London! I will hold these for you in the back. They certainly are a fine pair of shoes, sir! Sir has excellent taste!

Mr. Porter: (irritably) Thanks! It's too bad I'm not wearing them!(Carl continues to stand there) Well?

Carl: One more thing, sir…

Mr. Porter: (more irritably) What?

Carl: (points again at Mr. Porter's feet) It appears that sir is wearing business socks. Dress socks?

Mr. Porter: Yes, of course!

Carl: Sir, as you can see our floors are very well polished. We cannot take the slightest chance that sir might fall while walking. A law suit would ruin us!

Mr. Porter: (hesitantly, afraid of what is coming next) So?

Carl: It IS the law, sir. I must have your socks as well…

Mr. Porter: (starting to stand up in anger) MY SOCKS!!! Do you realize who I am?! I am James Porter, vice president of Cabot, Porter and Shlemon, one of the city’s largest investment firms! I can't sit here in my BARE FEET!

Carl: But this is NOT your office, sir! WE make the dress code HERE!

Mr. Porter: No...no..I didn't mean...but...my dignity...

Carl: Please comply with our rules. (firmly) Take those socks off.

Mr. Porter: This is outrageous! I CANNOT sit here barefoot! I am an investment banker! AN INVESTMENT BANKER! (suddenly friendly, reaches into his pocket) I'm sure we can make a deal here.

Carl: Is sir BRIBING ME?! The future of our restaurant is at stake. I would have assumed that a gentleman of your stature would behave more appropriately!

Mr. Porter: No, I'm sorry about the bribe. I mean....Look...This...this must be a joke! I have a very important meeting. What will....

Carl: Can sir GUARANTEE he will not slip? and FALL!

Mr. Porter: (bewildered) Of course not!

Carl: Then hand them over!

Mr. Porter: But...barefoot...(Carl merely holds out his hands; Porter surrenders in exasperation) FINE! GREAT! You want me to take off my socks? Here! (He reaches under his cuffs and angrily pulls off his black dress socks and holds them out in front of him, then holds his legs straight in front of him so the soles of his feet are visible) Now I’m barefoot! Are you satisfied? I'm one of the city's leading investment bankers!

Carl: (takes the socks) Brooks Brothers! I should have known that a well-dressed gentleman like yourself would wear socks of such outstanding quality.

Mr. Porter: (visibly embarrassed, tries unsuccessfully to hide his feet) This is an outrage...Just leave me alone. (Carl leaves and then returns thirty seconds later; meanwhile, Mr. Porter straightens his tie and tries to look serious and dignified.)

Carl: Sir, there has been another complaint about you.

Mr. Porter: (wearily, nervously) ANOTHER complaint. Who are these people who are so irritated by me? (He sticks out his bare feet from under the table) Are my feet squeaking now?

Carl: (laughs artificially) Oh NO, sir! It’s your tie, your necktie, sir.

Mr. Porter: (coldly) What about my necktie?

Carl: No fewer then three people have complained about it. The color, sir. They don’t like it. They were HIGHLY offended. They will leave if you don’t…

Mr. Porter: (arrogantly) Don’t what? Why should I care if someone doesn’t like my necktie?

Carl: Sir, these are regular customers…They are very FINE people. I MUST INSIST that you remove your necktie. It is causing a great deal of distress...

Mr. Porter: (folding his arms) NO! What about ME? Don't I count as "fine people"?

Carl: It IS...rather garish...

Mr. Porter: GARISH! This is a two hundred dollar Hermes tie, made in Paris!! It is silk. It matches my suit and my red braces! I will NOT take it off!

Carl: Sir, your belligerence is so extreme that I might easily have you arrested. And wearing suspenders is strictly prohibited. Some diners have found their digestion impeded, and naturally we can’t have that. Apparently sir is not CONCERNED with others?

Mr. Porter: (coldly)That is absolutely ridiculous. And they are called braces, NOT suspenders...Who do you think you are?!

Carl: (suddenly angry and speaking loudly and firmly) Those suspenders can cause you to choke!! JUST LAST WEEK A MAN COLLAPSED! WE WILL LOSE EVERYTHING!!! Now lose that fancy necktie, and get those suspenders off, NOW, suit-boy! And are those CUFFLINKS!! They might FALL in your SOUP! Take those off, too!

Mr. Porter: (stunned by the sudden change from rage to politeness, confused) But...you're joking...These are monogrammed. Please, I...

Carl: (calm and polite again, hands a written form to Mr. Porter) As you can see, sir, regulations…(Carl holds out his hand for the items) The tie, the tiepin, the cufflinks and the suspenders.

Mr. Porter: (starting to crack, shoulders sagging, stands up) My necktie, my braces…(he stands up, unfastens his cufflinks and his tiepin and takes them off, and reaches into his suit to unbutton his suspenders, which he pulls out from inside his suit. As he does this, Carl suddenly reaches over and grabs the necktie. He unties and pulls it off a stunned Mr. Porter).

Carl: (taking the items) THANK you, sir, for your cooperation! Oh, and this, too, of course. (Carl boldly pulls the matching pocket handkerchief from Porter's suit pocket, while Mr. Porter just stares straight ahead)

Mr. Porter: (really cracking now, his business demeanor crumbling) Of course!...Please, please, just leave me alone. (he looks down at himself, holding up his trousers, and collapses into his chair and puts his head in his hands. Mr. Porter's dignity and bearing are quickly disappearing, but Carl is still staring at him. This time, Mr. Porter looks at him with real fear)

Carl: (urgent, much bolder, points at Mr. Porter and says with urgency) TAKE OFF YOUR SUIT.

Mr. Porter: (exhausted, anxious, disoriented) What? WHAT?

Carl: (in a bullying tone) A new regulation. No business suits without neckties. NO EXCEPTIONS! EVER! Take it off, sir.

Mr. Porter: (helpless, pleading) But YOU TOOK AWAY my NECKTIE!

Carl: (folding his arms) Take your suit off. NOW.

Mr. Porter: (reduced to begging, his composure and confidence gone) Please don't take my suit! It's all I have left! Look at me! I used to be well-dressed! You've stripped me of my shoes, my socks, my tie, my cufflinks, my...

Carl: (folding his arms) So NOW sir is trying to be a VICTIM?! Does sir have no shame?! Now get that nice suit off! THIS MINUTE!

Mr. Porter: (pleading, pathetic) You wouldn't REALLY do this to me, would you? Can I borrow a necktie from someone, ANYONE!!!! (He looks around)

Carl: Sir, PLEASE! I simply CANNOT have you harassing the other customers! (He pulls out a large brown bag) Sir can trade his suit for this!

Mr. Porter: TRADE! (looks in the bag and slowly pulls out the contents) This…this looks like a jumpsuit! A…a janitor's uniform!!!! And it's covered with grime! It even has a nametag - it says "Gus"! I am wearing a three thousand dollar Savile Row suit! Tailored for me in London! Look, look at the lining! (starting to break down, shaking)

Carl: TAKE OFF YOUR SUIT!

Mr. Porter: (slides off the chair to the floor, kneeling, a barefoot beggar) But…but...I can’t possibly…a JANITOR! A MENIAL WORKER! (jabbering) I am a corporate executive! I am respected! An Ivy League graduate! You CAN'T take my suit away! I have a corner office, a Mercedes Benz...dozens of people work for me...I'm a very successful man...a country home...a private jet...I have a wife and three children...

Carl: It is OUR RULE, SIR! (suddenly "anxious" and speaking quickly, leaning over the crumpled figure of Mr. Porter) SIR! If my boss comes in and finds you dressed like this, I will be fired! FIRED! (hysterically) I have SIX children! Does sir want to be responsible for six children losing their home? And starving? Is sir so high and mighty that your fancy suit is more important!? Does sir think he's BETTER because he wears that nice suit!? I will not leave this table without that suit. (smugly) It's the least I can do for the sake of my children!

Mr. Porter: (becoming more and more confused and anxious himself) No, no, I didn't mean...six children...but my name isn't Gus...it's James Porter...(as if he's starting to doubt it) I'm an investment banker, a Princeton graduate, not a janitor...I...I CAN'T go from a pinstriped suit to a janitor's uniform...please...

Carl: (yelling, mocking, haranguing) A PINSTRIPED suit! Does sir EVER think of anyone ELSE! Sir doesn’t CARE about the other patrons! SIR is not CONCERNED if our restaurant closes! Sir is too important to follow rules and regulations! Sir does not even care if I LOSE MY JOB! Or if my children STARVE! All that matters to sir is himself!

Mr. Porter: (crumpled on the floor) Please…Please...I beg you...

At that moment, Mr. Shlemon walks in. He stops and stares at Mr. Porter, in shock.

Mr. Shlemon: Jim Porter! Have you lost your mind! WHAT do you think you are doing!!? Get off that floor! Where are your shoes!?

Mr. Porter: (recoiling in horror, but still on the floor) BILL SHLEMON! I...I can explain everything...It's ALL his fault! (he points at Carl, and lungs towards him, falling on his face) Him! He's to blame! He did it all!!!

Carl: (calm and cheerful) So THIS is Mr. Shlemon! The man you have been saying those terrible things about! (Mr. Porter lets out a strangled cry, and turns to Mr. Shlemon, whimpering) I must say, sir, that this gentleman has been behaving in a MOST inappropriate manner. All of us have been shocked at his bizarre behavior, and he called YOU a THIEF! He has lost all self-control! However, we have been generous and will NOT have him arrested...yet.

Mr. Shlemon: (very angry, as Mr. Porter turns on all fours and grabs his leg) Jim, our association is at an end. You will find it VERY difficult to work in this town again...blaming this hard-working man! You are a DISGRACE! (Mr. Shlemon pulls his leg away and storms out)

Mr. Porter: on all fours, whimpering) My job...my job...my career. Bill knows EVERYONE!

Carl: (inflexible, no more 'sir') Hand over that fancy suit NOW! There is a policeman just outside the door! Assault! Disorderly conduct! Disturbing the peace! Refusal to comply with...

Mr. Porter: (pleading) You don't mean I'm supposed to take it off HERE!

Carl: (calm again, lifting Mr. Porter back to his chair) Sir, this is most unseemly. I have asked you politely...do I HAVE to contact the authorities? After all YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB!

Mr. Porter shudders at these words. Then his cell phone rings. He picks it up.

Mr. Porter: (anxious and stunned as he listens) Oh, hello! Yes...I... well he did, but...yes, I was fired...but...no...no...NO! (he drops the phone and his head falls into his hands)

Carl: (cheerfully) Good news, sir?

Mr. Porter: My wife...she...she's leaving me...we were having problems, but...Mr. Shlemon called her...she wants the house...

Carl: Sir is having a bad day, I see and that IS very sad...but STILL that is NO excuse...YOUR SUIT, SIR! I am STILL waiting patiently!

Mr. Porter: (his eyes glaze over - he is a broken man, resigned to his fate) My suit. Of course....Please! I'm sorry! I'll take it off…here, please take it! (slowly takes off his suit jacket) I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Carl: (pointing and barking orders) Shirt! Rolex! Briefcase! (points to the coat stand) Overcoat! Scarf! Gloves!

Mr. Porter: (desperately complying, trading places with Carl and calling him 'sir') Yes, yes, sir, I should have thought of that! I'm sorry! I'm SORRY! Take them! Take everything!! I should never have worn a suit! (he takes off the Rolex and unbuttons his white shirt, takes it off, and hands them to Carl, followed by the briefcase and other items. Carl puts everything into the bag.)

Carl: (again smooth) Ah, monogrammed silver cufflinks, a Brooks Brothers shirt and overcoat and a Savile Row suit! Sir wears only the finest! (holding up a tablecloth in front of the table) PLEASE be discreet, sir. This is MOST irregular...

Mr. Porter: (takes off his suit trousers) Here…(takes the janitor's uniform and quickly puts it on - the transformation is complete) I..I'm sorry..I should never have worn this suit...Forgive me, sir...

Carl: (placing the suit on a hanger) THANK you! May I say you look much better without that expensive business suit and that necktie! Maybe sir has found his true destiny! After all, you don't have a JOB or REFERENCES or a HOME or a WIFE or a SUIT or a TIE or SHOES...

Mr. Porter: (sitting slumped in his chair, in a janitor's jumpsuit with "Gus" written in large letters on the front, utterly humiliated, holding his head in his hands) Go…go away…

Carl: (keeps it up) Sir, may I say how well that uniform looks on you, as if it was made for you! (Mr. Porter slumps further) If sir is ever looking for a job as a janitor...(Mr. Porter's head falls to the table) Yes, sir…oh, this goes with the uniform! (places an orange wool cap on Mr. Porter’s head. Carl leaves, then returns) You look like you have ALWAYS mopped floors! No one would EVER think YOU were once a businessman!

Mr. Porter: (mumbling, now completely in shock) Me...a janitor…but...but I've never done work like that in my life...I've always been a businessman...I have an MBA...

Carl: (cheerfully) Well, now's the time to start! You ARE a janitor! (Mr. Porter stares for a moment, and a stunned look spreads over his face. Carl drags him out of the chair and brings him to a large mirror). You SEE! When sir came in today, I thought: "There's a JANITOR inside that high and mighty upper-crusty executive strutting around with his fancy pinstriped suit and his oh-so-shiny shoes and his necktie tied just right! He just doesn't KNOW it!"

Mr. Porter: A janitor inside? No, not me...I'm James Porter...What's happening to me?

Carl: I have a great idea. (picks up the cell phone and makes a quick call) I got someone for you. He'll be right over. (puts the phone down, and now speaking to Porter as an equal) You just had to be dragged off that high horse! Now just grow a beer gut and stop shaving and trade that Mercedes Benz for a pickup! I even have a new name for you! From now on, you're Gus! Nobody will call you sir from now on - you're one of US now! And I have A JOB for you!

Mr. Porter: A job....But...Trade my Mercedes...

Carl: You start right away, cleaning toilets at the office building across the street. 645 Willow Street! They're waiting! Your boss is named Bubba! They'll provide sneakers!

Mr. Porter: 645 Willow (stuttering) That's where I started my career as a banker. I had an office there. I can't clean toilets there now...I was Vice President of Finance. Mister James Porter...

Carl: (snaps) NO! You're GUS! Remember that! And you're a janitor!

Mr. Porter: A janitor! My name is Gus...But I...(eyes glaze over) Me...maybe...maybe...yes...yes...you're right...


Carl: Don't forget your coat, sir...I mean Gus! (he hands "Gus" a grey hooded sweat shirt. It says "Janitor" on the front in large letters.)

Gus: Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...(he stands up, puts on the sweat shirt, walks slowly away from the table and leaves the restaurant, not knowing where he's going, disoriented, dejected, barefoot and dressed as a janitor, stunned and glassy-eyed)

Carl: Goodbye, Gus! Come again!

Hank: (walks in from the kitchen): Well?

Carl: (suddenly sharp-tongued, shrewd and lively as he pulls out a table piled high with the executive’s clothes) Look what I've got for YOU!

Hank: (picks up the suit) I gotta hand it to you - very classy stuff. You got his SUIT too! Are those his shoes and socks?! A guy like that, a corporate hotshot, is walking around...

Carl: No need to worry. He won't need them. He has a new career... (busily stuffing Mr. Porter's socks into his shoes and folding the shirt and tie) Now what will you give me for the whole stash?

Hank: (checking his calculator) One thousand...and not a penny more!...I'm running a men's clothing business and I have to make a profit, too, ya know! (he pulls out a wad of bills) By the way, if you can get me a pair of Gucci loafers, I can sell 'em tonight...but it has to be within the next twenty minutes.

At that moment, Mr. Everett strides in, slick, confident, dapper, and impeccably dressed in a suit...and shiny loafers. He looks around him pompously; he is more obviously arrogant than Porter. Carl and Hank look at each other. Hank quickly pushes the table with the clothes away while Carl walks over to him and resumes his smiling, humble manner.

Carl: Greetings, sir!

Mr Everett: (pointing behind him and shaking his head with contempt as he takes off his overcoat) I just saw some janitor named Gus wandering down the street without shoes! He didn't know where he was! He walked right over my Guccis! (smirking as he straightens his suit and tie, sits at the table and flicks a speck of dust off his tasseled loafers) Some people have no pride at all! Excuse me. (picks up his cell phone)

Hank: (walking over to Carl, whispering) I'll be back in 20...(Everett snaps his fingers for Carl as Hank starts his stopwatch. Carl smiles and walks over to the table, as he gives Hank a thumbs up)

End







]]> http://vorg.ca/540-Executive-Dining-A-Farce peterwellington Skit 2004-12-26T16:52:36-05:00 http://vorg.ca/540-Executive-Dining-A-Farce#replies http://vorg.ca/1219-Worst-ad-ever-for-a-cell-phone-company...
Scene (:30 sec)
Fade in...a young boy with thick black rimmed glasses wearing a bulky winter coat is struggling to get his backpack off inside a school hallway. Once the backpack is off he unzips the bag, pulls out all his books and starts digging around in the bottom of the bag. After 5 seconds of searching he produces a quarter.

He piles his books up and sruggles to push them toward the wall where 2 payphones are hanging. Using his makeshift "book step stool" he strains on his tiptoes to reach the slot to insert his quarter. Sadly, he cannot reach high enough.

He sits down sadly on his pile of books, when a young female classmate walks up and hands him hercell phone. The boy looks at her with thanks in his eyes and flips the phone open displaying the brand name on the phone display.

He dials

Voiceover (female "motherly voice")
"Sometimes you just need to talk to your mom"

The boy lifts the phone to his ear.
"Mom? The gym teacher touched me again"

Fade out

Fade in - Product shot w/voiceover

"The new XXXX from XXXXXX - don't you wish you could always be there"]]> http://vorg.ca/1219-Worst-ad-ever-for-a-cell-phone-company... NotQuiteWrite Skit 2004-12-21T16:47:28-05:00 http://vorg.ca/1219-Worst-ad-ever-for-a-cell-phone-company...#replies http://vorg.ca/1190-Finding-my-Call-ing-just-a-few-times [He is very professional and never loses his seriousness. He’s speaking slowly so the person hearing the message can write it down.]
Answering Machine: Hi we’re not home. Leave a message and we’ll call you back.

Person: Hi. this is Tim Curlins calling for Christine Anderfrends. Christine, I have an urgent personal matter to discuss with you. If you could please give me a call back my number is 457-632-947-846-973-674-563-289-962-538-5467. I have something very important that you’re going to need to hear so please give me a call back as soon as possible. Have a nice day. Goodbye.


BEEP



Answering Machine: Hi we’re not home. Leave a message and we’ll call you back.

Person: (talking to the other person on three-way with him) I want you to be on the phone in order to keep the answering machine going in case something happens that I have to deal with. If I gotta drop the phone for a second, I’m still gonna need to finish the message. So, just keep talking. Ok? You’re there, right?

Person2: I’m here.

Person: All right just stay on the phone.

Person: (now addressing the answering machine) Hi. This John Forger. The reason I’m calling is because… (From here on quotes indicate when he’s shouting at something in the room) "Hey get back here!”, I want to talk to you about these…Man! “Put that down! Don’t touch that!, Put that down!,” I was really hoping you could pick up these… “Stay over there!, Geebler, Don’t, Don’t throw that. Hey!” (Loud metal bang) “OWWW!”

Person2: (In a low cool calm voice) I’m sure that didn’t hurt……… that hard.

Person: (Gets back on the phone breathing heavy and quickly) These Keemy Geeblers are really hard to take care of. I’m starting to think that getting these Keemmy Geeblers was not such a good idea. “Stop that!” I've been rethinking our decision to let them stay here. We(!) were supposed to take care of them, together(!). Remember?, You haven’t helped out with these little monsters since we first got ‘em. I’ve been alone with these things for two weeks and they’re really starting to get out of control.

Person: “Leave that alone. Don’t pull that out. Oww! Geebler! You get back over here!” (Sound of a lot of things falling over clanging to the ground) “ Damn It! Owwww!”

Person2: (In a low cool calm voice) He’s probably not even injured……….. that bad.

Person : “Don’t tip….(running footsteps, grunt) that over. Leave that where it is.”

Person: I’m thinking about taking them back. They’re a lot of work to take care of. I can’t believe that you bailed on me! I’ve got half a mind to tell your mom about these Kimmy Geeblers that you so convincingly talked me into getting with you. I’m sure she’s wouldn't be too happy if she found out. I never should’ve let you talk me into this. Ohhhhh. What am I doing? “Quit rocking that!”, Oh shit I gotta catch that so it doesn’t…. (Sound of phone being throw to floor and then running) “No!!!” (Loud bang) “Oww! Oww! My leg!”

Person2: (In a low cool calm voice) I’m sure he’s gonna be allright. He’s probably not even gonna have to go to the hospital… that much.)

Person: (Sound of phone being picked back up and panting) I need you to call me back. So, please call me at 547- AHHHHHHHH

(Answering machine beeps quieter and then the answering machine cuts off.)


BEEP


Person: Hi. This is me calling you, since you told me to. But you know that, ‘cause (laugh) you’re over here right now. (talking to someone in the room) “Say hi to your answering machine.”

Person2: (In background) No!, Where’s your liquor cabinet.

Person: Right about now your ready to have a good time. Anyway I’m just leaving this message to remind you to put the 500 dollars I just lent you into your checking account.

Person2: (In background) Owwwoooh!! That's some good liquor.

Person: That’s you in the background. Ha ha.

(Someone on the same line as the answering machine picks up.)

Bob(Answering Machine Owner): Hello, Tim?

Tim(aka: Person): Bob?

Bob: I just got home. What were you talking about? I’m over there?,(laughing in his voice). I just walked in the door what’s going on?

Tim: What? How can you be… But wait….. You’re over at my…..
Ohh Nooo.. I just picked up this guy walking by your house. He was rumaging through your trash, so I figured it was you. I just drove down the block to pick up a pack of cigs; I know I’m not supposed to drive while I’m getting my glasses fixed. I thought it was weird that you wouldn’t just drive your own car. I’m starting to think it’s not you in my living room ‘cause you’re on the phone.

Bob: (laugh) How could that be me if I’m over here Tim?

Tim: I asked him if he was you and he said yes. I did notice you sounded kinda different. So wait…. If you’re there, then, who’s this in my living room? Oh, Oh Gawd! OK look I need you to…..

Person2: (interupting) Let me use that phone!

Tim: I gotta go. He needs to use the phone. Ahhh, if you want to stop by that wouldn’t be such a big deal.

Person2: (Now closer and louder) Come on! Get off that phone.

Tim: (To person in background) I’m getting off right now.

Tim: Well, Well I gotta go

Bob: Yeah?…….

Tim: Look I’m gonna be getting off now so if you could…

Tim: (To person in background) OH. Ok. Yeah. You, you can use the phone. Sure.

Person2: (Growls)

Tim: Oh you’re taking it out of my hand., (hurried) You know, now would be a good time to come over if you want.

Person2: (Grunts)

Tim: He needs to use the phone. So, just come on over, Please. Bye. (Click)


[Bob walks away from the answering machine. Goes over to the livingroom couch, sits down, and turns on the TV.]



End.



]]> http://vorg.ca/1190-Finding-my-Call-ing-just-a-few-times trckands Skit 2004-12-05T01:10:55-05:00 http://vorg.ca/1190-Finding-my-Call-ing-just-a-few-times#replies http://vorg.ca/1158-1-800-HOLLICT Anouncer: All men know how bothersome it can be to have attractive women always wanting to have sex with you. So if you are like millions of other men across the nation you are tired of the constant hounding by the ladies for us to have sex with them, and need a cheaper way to make collect calls, have we got a solution for you. We are a new Collect - Call company and with every call made; a portion of the proceeds will be paid to local lesbian recruiters, to help reduce those pesky come-ons that we all dread so much from good looking girls. So use us next time you make a collect call, and you can help contribute to the lessening of the likelyhood that a hot woman will come up to you and ask you to have sex with her. Cause we all know how much we hate that.
So next time you make a collect call just dial... 1-800-H-O-L-L-I-C-T. 1-800 HOL-LICT "Save yourself a fuck or two."
]]> http://vorg.ca/1158-1-800-HOLLICT trckands Skit 2004-11-19T14:51:12-05:00 http://vorg.ca/1158-1-800-HOLLICT#replies http://vorg.ca/1110-Ive-got-bad-news-and-good-news-The-execution-skit
A drab gray room has several men in fatigues, with large
knives, standing behind American TV personality Mark Hopkins, of the Mark Hopkins Show, who wears a jumpsuit and is blind folded. He bobs his head as if he hears a song
in his head.

A man with a large sword approaches him after he adjusts a video camera, catching the whole scene.

Executioner:

What are you doing Hopkins? There is no music in here!

Hopkins:

I can't get this song out of my head: "Hey Mr. Taliban, Taliban banana, Bagdad hot and I wanna go home."

Executioner:

“Hopkins, you are an infidel! An infidel, an infidel!
By the way, how was your breakfast?

Hopkins:

Not bad, thanks, but a bit spicy, so don't be offended if I'm a bit gassy. (farts)

Executioner:

Infidel! Infidel! Infidel (coughs)
(waves hand in front of his face)
Jeez, who's killing who here!
Where was I?...
I have bad news and I have good news for you.

Hopkins:

“What’s the bad news?”

Executioner:

“Your head comes off on Monday”

Hopkins:

“Damn, I hate Mondays, I never have anything good happens on a Monday”


Executioner:
(crosses arms smugly)

“So, ready to plead for your pathetic life?”

Hopkins

“I’m not really the pleading type, besides, I’ve been
Pretty depressed lately.”

Executioner:

“OH, come now, plead just a little bit?”

Hopkins:

“No, not my style. Just get it over with,
With Seinfeld cancelled and only reality tv,
You might as well cut my head off.”

Executioner:

“Trust me, you’re no Seinfeld...you have too many puns
and your humor borders on the tasteless...
Oh come now, plead a little, we’re wasting tape!”

Hopkins:

“Hey...I thought you said you had good news?”

Executioner:

“Oh, I’m saving a ton of money on my car insurance.”

Hopkins:
(pulls off his blindfold)
“Can I have their number?”

Executioner:

‘Sure, my friend, I give you the number Tuesday.”

Hopkins:

“Cool,....hey...wait a minute...Tuesday?

Both start laughing with their heads titled back, give each other a high-five
And freeze frame.
]]> http://vorg.ca/1110-Ive-got-bad-news-and-good-news-The-execution-skit NickVegas Skit 2004-10-28T13:35:31-04:00 http://vorg.ca/1110-Ive-got-bad-news-and-good-news-The-execution-skit#replies http://vorg.ca/1101-Woodland-Con-Creatures The Park Rangers are just starting their day like any other when..........work arises.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Park Ranger walks over to a landscaping rock area around the front of the building and sees dog poo on the rocks.]

Park Ranger: (Grumpy) This is why pets shouldn't be allowed in the park.
[Throws more rock on top of the dirty ones. He has a lightbulb appear over his head, and then he walks away. He returns with a can of WD-40.]
(Happier)Poo proofing the rocks.[Sprays the WD-40 on the rocks]. Ain't no poo gonna get on these rocks.





Scene 2:





Park Ranger: [Is in the tool room looking for the paint] Let's see, I need the blue paint. [He gets distracted by some of the other objects in the room.] Oooh Look at...[He turns to grab one of the objects; knocking over the can of paint] Well at least I found it. [The paint is all over, including important documents, which are ruined. It's all over the ground and his shirt.]

Park Ranger2: [Walks into the room, seeing the paint all over everything. Then he looks at the other Park Ranger scooping the paint back into the can.] You found it!

[Next we see the two of them painting the side of the room. When the phone rings...... it keeps ringing and ringing and ringing.]

Park Ranger2: [Remebering somthing that happened earlier that morning has a flash back to when the Boss said: "We'll be receiving a very important call today. Now I'm gonna be out of the office today and I want you guys to handle receiving it."] Are you gonna get that phone?

Park Ranger: [Remebering the events earlier that morning a little differently, he has an auditory flash back hearing what the boss was saying as: "You gonna get that phone?" like it's a dare and the phone's been egging him on. So he goes and rips the phone out of the jack and throws it against the wall; breaking it. He then returns to his work.]




Scene 3:




[The guys are in a staff meeting for all the park employees]

Boss(Speaker): We need to consolidate our efforts to make the process of forms a less involved task. With these new forms we will be able to accomplish our goals.

Park Ranger: (Thinking[at the same time as the Boss is speaking]): "These guys sit around all day. They're not on my level. My work ethic is spotless. They could really learn alot from me. They could stand to move around and get some things done. [He's really getting himself worked up.] That's what the problem is."

Park Ranger:(Speaking) You guys need to pull your weight around here.

Boss: And then we'll need to move the files...... (Now hearing what Park Ranger said) What?!

Park Ranger: I didn't say anything.

[Everyone is looking at him]

Boss: No that's fine. Now, sorting is an issue that can be resolved by....

[Everyone has by now, turned their attention back to the Boss speaking when......]

Park Ranger: This ain't 9:30 at all. [Like as if he had went to a concert and found it was another band playing besides the one he was told would be playing when he had bought the tickets.] I'm out. [(He says it in a "I won't have any part of this.", way). Leaving his pamphlets on the chair, he walks out of the room with everyone looking at him]





Scene 4:




[There's a guy outside the door that the Park Ranger is about to walk through. We see him chipping off some paint from the decking outside the door.]

Park Ranger: [Opens the door quickly hitting the man working outside in the arm.]

Guy: Ow! [He looks up at the Park Ranger]

[As he does, The Park Ranger who is looking at him sees him change from a person to a huge door stop, and then back to a person. (Just like in the cartoons where Character1 who is hungry looks at Character2 and Character2 turns into a roasted turkey and then back into orignal form.)]

Park Ranger: [Walks away satisfied, because it must be alright because he just saw him turn into a door stop.]




Scene 5:





[Both Park Rangers are sitting eating their lunches under a tree with mulch around it.]

Park Ranger: [Picks up some mulch lifts the top off his sandwhich and sprinkles it on his sandwhich. When he does, the mulch shines and we hear the sound of ringing chimes, followed by the sound of the top of the sandwhich going back on.]

Park Ranger2:[Is putting mulch in his hair methodically with atttention to placement]

[We hear the sounds of Park Ranger eating.]

Park Ranger:(Thinking) "This is good mulch this year."

[Then both Park Rangers construct a mythical character from mulch, and start to circle dance around it. We hear tribal music as the movement intensifies until......]

Park Ranger: [Kicks over the construction]

Park Ranger2: [Looking on at Park Ranger in confusion]

Park Ranger: It was going to ravage the earth.

Park Ranger2: [Mystified by Park Ranger's wisdom] Can't be having that.

Park Ranger: No we can't. Not in the least.

[They go back to eating their lunches. Park Ranger2 is talking while Park Ranger is thinking]

Park Ranger2: You know people really don't know about the good things you do for everyone. You're really unappreciated.

Park Ranger:(Thinking) "Yep this ain't bad mulch this year. Nope not to bad at...."(He sees a ground hog whose been eluding him all year.) "That little sonavabitch. He's back again." (Outloud) Can't he just let me eat in peace for once?!

Park Ranger:[Looks at the ground hog who is over 200 yards away and then looking back at the Park Ranger. He is confused.] But he's all the way over there how can he possibly be bothering you?

[The Park Ranger looking at the ground hog sees it turn around right at him and wink. Then the ground hog starts munching an acorn.(obviously to spite him)]

Park Ranger:[As if being given a new mission] Come on Bill(aka Park Ranger2).

[They get in the Park's truck and start driving after the ground hog] They chase the ground hog in the truck until the ground hog stops in front of a tree.]

Park Ranger: We've got him cornered now!

[They speed up; laughing together as Park Ranger continues to think he's going to get the ground hog. He is heading straight for the tree the ground hog stopped in front of. He and Park Ranger2 are cheering when the ground hog ducks into a hole and they slam into the tree.]

[They both get out. The truck is all crumpled around the tree and steaming.]

Park Ranger: [Gets out like: "Gosh that was rough."]

Park Ranger2: [Puts his hand on his head for a second. (looking at the tree and prodding it)] Man what's that thing made out of? Concrete or something? Man someone could really get hurt with this thing. (refering to the tree). How'd this get here?

Park Ranger: Come on Bill lets go.

[They walk back to the building]

Park Ranger: He's beaten us for now but we'll have our day.




Scene 6:




[Both park rangers are outside kicking gumballs back and forth when the boss comes up. He looks at the truck a couple hundred yards away and sees it steaming and mangled around the tree.]

Boss: Lou(aka Park Ranger)! You aren't gonna get away with this. You're gonna have to pay for that truck.

Park Ranger: That ain't my truck. I ain't paying shit. I ain't playing games. I ain't your punk. You can't fool me.

Boss:[Satisfied that the problem has been resolved and Park Ranger has been cleared of all wrong doing in this matter.] OK. [And walks off]

Park Ranger2: Don't let 'em mess with you that shit wasn't your fault.




Scene 7:




[With a job well done and a days hard work completed, the Rangers are sharing a Cold One in the parking lot. Both Park Rangers are standing next to Park Ranger's car as he's getting in it.]

Park Ranger: [Cooly] Yeah I ain't paying for that truck.

[Both the guys are speaking simoutaneously here for a moment.]

{{{

Park Ranger: It was the ground hog and then he darts....

Park Ranger2: You never saw that tree coming.....

}}}

Park Ranger: So then I'm fine.

Park Ranger:(reassuringly)Yeah you're alright. They can't try and mess with you. [While he's jumping around punching the air] I'll BAMMMM!!! then BLOOOOOOW!!!


Park Ranger: (unconcerned with his partner) Alright I gotta go. [Gets in his car and starts jammin' to some music and leaves.]




END]]> http://vorg.ca/1101-Woodland-Con-Creatures trckands Skit 2004-10-21T18:20:13-04:00 http://vorg.ca/1101-Woodland-Con-Creatures#replies http://vorg.ca/1049-Aint-just-Super--Mark---it [S(tore)-hopping]. And these people in the stores are getting more than they bargained for.

In Three parts



Scene1



{
[ A Guy goes into the store with his date. They walk around poking at stuff they need. Then they pass a stock boy. ]

Girl: (Gets in real close quarters to the sock boy and the Guy she's with totally notices.) "I hope you know your way around, cause I was hoping you could help me get some of the best Leiz((pronounced Lays)) ever."

StockBoy: (Smiles with his eyes fixed onto to hers)

Guy: Ah-hem! (cutting in between them to face the stock boy) She means the snack isle, Could you help us find it?

(The stock boy leads them to the chips and walks away)

Girl: (Grabs bottles of Pures water and 7 u' soda in her walk through the soda isle.)

(They all walk closer to the check out lane and the stock boy goes behind the register to check them out. The girl ss beeing afully flirty with the stock boy and the boyfriend is getting upset.)

Girl: I like it best in the can. (She lays down the Leiz chips in a can along with the drinks onto the conveyor belt.)

Guy: (Having had some bad thoughts conveyed to him, grabs at his hair and rips out two huge chunks of scalp from either end with a grunt-yell)

[We end this scene seeing the two drinks put side to side moving down the conveyor belt towards the camera. Reading from left to right from one drink to another it says: 7 u - Pures.]
}




Scene2



{
[Guy and girl are in a store, going to the check-out isle. The guy is carrying a bag of Leiz chips. The guy walks into the check-out lane, and the girl stops short.]

Girl: (Gets down low and bellows/yells like she's having a hissy fit) I wanna get Lei'd!

Guy: I'll take care of it as soon as we get to the car.

(People in the store are now paying attention to the action)

Girl: (Still being incredibly loud) You're my boyfriend I think that you should help me. You'd think since I have you (she tones her voice)...... I'd be able to get Leid.

(A woman in the isle next to her looks at her as if a girl shouldn't be making this scene in front of everyone. As if she should try to be more of a Leidy)

Girl: (notices the looks and reactions and except from turning to see them gives no visible reaction.) I haven't gotten a single Lei out of you the whole fricking day.

(A shopper in the next lane holds his head down like he's ashamed/embarrassed from the whole scene)

Guy: (Looks to the girl at the check out lane and is handing her some change. She smiles politely and he smiles back. He is acting as if he doesn't even notice whats going on. He is getting change out of his pocket and putting it in her hand. He pauses and turns to address his girlfriend.) Honey look I already gave the lady 85 cents if you hold on a minute and let me give her another 23 cents we'll all get Lei'd I promise.

(We see the coulple walking out together holding hands and happy. The camera zooms in on the bag of chips, It reads: Leiz potato chips /"Get Lei'd"/)

[Fade out]

}




Scene Three




{

[A couple goes into "The Tile Store"]

(They are lead to a room by some store employee. The room has many different types of tile on the floor. The different tile types make several five foot wide ten foot long sections. With a different type of tile on each section the people can see what the different types of tile look like and feel like on the floor. There is a sign set up with the names of each of the different tiles and a description of each. The Couple goes up to the sign and notices the Monchong (chinese floor tile).)

Guy: (Turns to the Girl , and while making an undulating movement with his chest says:) Honey we could get our monghong on the floor right here.

Girl: (Gets real close to him and is bobbing up and down) Oh yeah.

Store Person: (Looks like he feels a little akward.)

[Next we see the guy in sort of a push up stance over the girl. He's swaying back and forth vertically over her. She's dragging her hands very slowly and lightly across the floor and bringing her legs up and out and back down again over and over like froggy style. We see the clerk who is kinda scared from the action, and after looking around at the other shoppers responses, scurries off.]

(We now hear the couple thinking while we see their points of view, individually)

[We see the tile move up and down, up and down]

Guy :(Thinking) "I really like the way this moves past the eye."

[We see her feet and hands touching the tile, and hear the quiet sound it makes.]

Girl : (Thinking) " I like the way it feels as I drag my feet and hands over it."

(The Couple who is now standing up is panting, while fixing themselves up. The store person and the manager return to the room. Guy is straightening his collar and lining up his pants and shirt, While Girl is bending over putting her heels back on and pushing her skirt down and realligning the folds in it.)

Guy: (To manager) Ain't a bad stack you got there.

Girl: (Winks and slips the manger a $50 bill)

}







End]]> http://vorg.ca/1049-Aint-just-Super--Mark---it trckands Skit 2004-09-26T17:46:39-04:00 http://vorg.ca/1049-Aint-just-Super--Mark---it#replies http://vorg.ca/1048-Cattle-Approbation-Festival-Letter-On---May-18-1864
Sir, it is with great regret that I must inform you of our County's opposition to your Cattle Approbation Festival to be held on Lord Stentbender's property, within Shropshire County, on the forth-coming September 14th in the year of Our Lord 1864.

The County Council wishes it to be known that Lord Stentbender's property will be overrun with foul beasts of all manner of cattlery and the subsequent odours emanating from the property shall surely give the fair residents of our County, good Christian men every one with nary a Moor in sight, an infection of the French Disease. While such an afflication may suitable for the French, it is of no use to the Queen's men.

And while Lord Stentbender may happily return to his house in the City when the Festival has ended, our residents may not avail themselves of such luxury as they are all still reeling from the unjust imposition of a Vaccine Tax. The pointless inoculation of our citizens has left them impecunious.

The Council wishes it to be known that re-numeration to the members of our Council can be sent that would allow us, in good conscience, to allow the Festival to proceed. The following is a list of acceptable items:
6oz. roast beef, 11lb of potatoes, 11lb of plum pudding, 3 trollops from either St. Pancras or Marylebone workhouses, 1lb sugar, 2lb tobacco or snuff, a sack of oranges and lemons from St. Clemens, or 3 pounds, 4 shillings apiece.

Good-day to you,
Alderman Crommeth Wentwhistle, Esq.]]> http://vorg.ca/1048-Cattle-Approbation-Festival-Letter-On---May-18-1864 vinny9 Skit 2004-09-26T14:26:51-04:00 http://vorg.ca/1048-Cattle-Approbation-Festival-Letter-On---May-18-1864#replies http://vorg.ca/919-Life-with-Bonet I have an Idea for a Mad TV or SNL type skit.

I thought it would be funny to do a spin on the show Life with Bonnie called life with Bonet. It would feature life of the former Cosby kid Lisa Bonet. This could be done as a chronicle of her career or lack of it and down fall after she was booted form the show or the Bonnie Hunt character could actually be replaced by a Lisa Bonet character.]]> http://vorg.ca/919-Life-with-Bonet wahini Skit 2004-07-19T09:34:24-04:00 http://vorg.ca/919-Life-with-Bonet#replies http://vorg.ca/882-Skittering-across-the-floor [Close-up of adorable baby face]

VO: Isn't this face delightful? The joy of a baby's smile is magic. But it won't always be this way!

[Baby's face looks surprised]

VO: Babies grow up! Their cute, round faces give way to the ugly ravages of time and before you know it, you're staring down the gullet of a two-year old horror!

[Artist's rendering of ugly two-year old]

VO: Don't despair parents! There's new Baby Botox!

[Hand with large hypodermic needle appears, menaces the baby]

VO: With Baby Botox, freeze that baby fat in place and keep those cheeks ready for pinching! It's safe, odorless and doctor approved.

[fine print: Approved by an accredited Sociology PhD]

VO: So give your baby the gift of eternal youth and let their smile light up a room for years to come. Baby Botox. Inject a little happiness into your baby's life today!

[Babies rolling around on a playmat surrounded by a scattered pile of syringes. Onscreen text: "Baby Botox! You're looking good, baby!"]]]> http://vorg.ca/882-Skittering-across-the-floor vinny9 Skit 2004-06-25T07:10:34-04:00 http://vorg.ca/882-Skittering-across-the-floor#replies http://vorg.ca/860-Parody-of-Judge-Judy

http://www.parasite.tv/embedvids/emsperta.htm ]]> http://vorg.ca/848-Commercial-Parody-at-its-Best parasitetv Skit 2004-06-06T10:19:10-04:00 http://vorg.ca/848-Commercial-Parody-at-its-Best#replies http://vorg.ca/841-How-George-Bush-really-got-the-bruise-on-his-cheek The Characters:
George Bush
Dick Cheney
Donald Rumsfeld
John Ashcroft
Condelisa Rice
and Colin Powell

George is in a small chair where Dick Cheney is drilling George on what he is going to say during his series of 6 speeches about the transfer of power, but George is having a problem concentrating. He’s playing with his tie as if it has a stain on it.

Dick: Now George it's important you get it right this time. No mistakes with... George... George! Are you listening (He grabs him by the lapels and shakes him almost out of his chair). George, George concentrate!!!

George: Yeah, Yeah, I get it, I get it, don’t worry, it’s a slam dunk!!!


Dick then lets go of him in disgust and walks away as he holds his heart as if his heart pacer is giving him trouble. As Dick walks away and Donald Rumsfeld moves into the position where Dick was standing, in front of George and begins to go over what he is going to say about the prisoners.


George is off playing as if he making puppet shadows against the wall.


Donald: Now, I want you to say that the prisoner’s abuse was appalling and the 6 who abused these prisoners will be dealt…with... George will you pay attention!!!

(He smacks George on the top of his head to get his attention). I want you to tell the press you will not accept… George! (He shakes George by the shoulders)

George: Yeah, OK, OK I get it, I get it, and the prisoners will get theirs, right? Right?

Donald moves off with clenched fists, gritting his teeth and stomping his feet as if the little boy just struck out mumbling to himself...


Donald: He’s an idiot, an Idiot, What a moron!!!


As Donald moves away from George, John Ashcroft moves over to George and begins to discuss with George about Homeland security but, once again George is distracted with a piece of string he finds in his pocket and begins to tie it together and starts playing a cat-in the-cradle game.


John: Now George, I want you to start to talk about how the terrorist are 90% ready to attack us this summer, but tell the people not to worry just say… George, George!!! (He raises his voice on the second “George”). Listen to me you buffoon… John then kicks him in the shin and George lets out a howl.

George: Ouch!!! What’d ya do that fer. Dag nabit. I’ma gonna get a bruise.

John: Well if you’d listen to me you wouldn’t be holding your damn shin right now would you.

John walks away in disgust and Condelissa Rice moves over to George and begins to go over how George will present the five points of transfer of power to the Iraqis.

Rice: Now George, are you listening? (George is now almost cowering and folding up to protect himself).

George: Of course I am, of course. I am the President aren’t I? Almost asking a question and everyone in the room begins to chuckle.


Dick: Of course you are. (He laughs and slaps his knee).

John: Who else (As he puts his hand over his mouth to cover his smile and laughter).


Rice then begins to drill him on the five points she wants him to remember.


Rice: OK. You are going to begin with who you are going to appoint as the new Governing council. You will start with….

But, once again George is distracted by Condelessas hair and reaches out to touch her hair. Rice then grabs him and begins to shake him by his lapels. She then rears back and bitch slaps him.

Rice: Why don’t you listen to me you jerk (Slap) Oh no, I made a mark, damn now what?

George: Ouch!!! That hurt!!!


The whole crew then moves in to look at Georges new bruise.


John: Yep, that left a mark allright, boy, you really did it now.

Dick: Aw Hell, Now what are we gonna do!!! He’s got to do that speech tomorrow to boost our numbers or we’re dead in the water!!!

Colin Powell: I got it (This is the first time Colin speaks in during the whole skit).

Colin: Send him back to Crawford and let the media see him riding his bike as if he’s going on a rough ride on his ranch and when he returns we’ll say he fell off due to, I don’t know, let’s say because it rained the previous day, it was slippery and he slipped from a mud puddle.

Dick: That won’t work.

John: Why not.

Dick: Because as everyone knows, it hasn’t rained in Texas for almost a week.

Colin: Yeah but if the people believed that the Iraqis had Weapons of Mass Destruction after his daddy kicked their butts and left them in ruins ten years ago , then they’ll believe anything.


The group all start thinking about it and then began to believe that it was a good idea.


John: Yeah, that’ll work (As he rubs his chin).

Dick: You know we might just be able to pull this one off. (He folds his arms across his chest).

Rice: This is crazy, who’s going to believe that.

They all look at each other and begin to laugh.

THE END!!!
]]> http://vorg.ca/841-How-George-Bush-really-got-the-bruise-on-his-cheek captn_bob Skit 2004-06-02T17:32:00-04:00 http://vorg.ca/841-How-George-Bush-really-got-the-bruise-on-his-cheek#replies http://vorg.ca/838-Please-read---this-issue-is-important. Yours Alistair Patterson, head of the British Wing of The people for the Enforcement of World Peace.

18th of March 2004.

An open letter to the purple of the World,

In Bonn today the first international meeting for the enforcement of world peace was severely disrupted. More than 14,000 campaigners from all over the world turned out in baby costumes to receive a spanking in the streets of the city in a festival that was intended to illustrate the absurdity of war.
During the festivities several million tons of fresh cream flooded the streets of Bonn forcing several thousand adult-sized babies and hundreds of specially employed stern-looking spank nannies down some sort of giant plughole.
Eye witness Lucille Ball said "It's pretty incredible that somethinglike this could happen. I can't remember seeing anything like this before". When asked who she thought might be responsible for this atrocity this rather odd woman responded "Uh, I don't know. It's either someone who is much opposed to world peace or some sort of horrendous pervert who thinks this event to be slightly erotic. As opposed to myself who feels this to be incredibly erotic. Whoever it was, one assumes it was a man with access to a lot of fresh cream. Perhaps someone who is trapped in the body of a 510 foot cow with collosal udders. I have no idea who that might be. I am a bit of a scatter brain but still I think I would probably remember meeting someone like that".
This story was not reported by the World's Press in any way shape or form. Why is our news being so censored? Write to your local newspaper and state this story as an example of the truth that is being hidden from us everyday, demand an explanation - ensure our plea for sanity is heard.

Yours in etenal respect fo the sanity of human life,

The Purple for the Enforcement of World Peace.

-We will not stop short of a military solution for war-]]> http://vorg.ca/838-Please-read---this-issue-is-important. nimrodshair Skit 2004-06-01T19:37:22-04:00 http://vorg.ca/838-Please-read---this-issue-is-important.#replies http://vorg.ca/829-The-Idol-of-Reality-Show-Island Voice Over: From the network that brought you “Sleazy Castle” and “The Rules Clearly Specify that I Get Married at the End of this Show” comes an exciting revolution in reality television:
(Cut to a dank, poorly lit room filled with nerds and crumpled paper. One particularly nerdy fellow sitting on a couch taping a pencil against his mouth)
Nerd 1: I’ve got it! “Allurement Hotel!” We put 8 couples in a hotel where they’re pitted against each other for a new car and a chance to be a butler/maid combo to the celebrity of their choice!
Nerd 2: I’ll do you one better: “Butler Hotel!” Fourteen butlers are stranded in a hotel in Northern Wisconsin and are forced to select the best chef for the hotel kitchen from a group of seven sexy supermodels. The last butler to have sex with a model wins!
VO: “The Idol of Reality Show Island…”
(The host of the show addresses the group in a series of dramatic close-ups.)
Host: A bakers dozen of professional writers are each forced to come up with a pitch for a reality show. They’ll be judged by four top network executives with cancelled sit-com positions to fill.
(The series’ tagline appears on the screen, as it is spoken off-camera by the host)
Host: (very dramatically) Writers…you write now.
(Suspenseful music begins)
VO: Only one will win.
Nerd 1: (panicked) Is anyone else doing a “Survivor” rip off!?
(As half the room raises their hands he crumples up his papers and runs out of the room)
VO: Only one show will be produced…
Nerd 2: (tense) 39 supermodels fly to Maine to create the best method of collecting lobsters. They only have twelve hours, from midnight to noon, to get as many as possible.
Nerd 3: What’s it called?
Nerd 2: “Clock Lobster.”
VO: …unless Ray Romano decides to retire as well…
Nerd 1: Twelve guys compete for the love of eight women, who are actually male elementary school teachers.
Nerd 3: Who are actually male library directors!
Nerd 1: They already made that one!
VO: “The Idol of Reality Show Island.” Coming this Monday, following “Check Out that Lady! I Did and She Had a Penis!”
]]> http://vorg.ca/829-The-Idol-of-Reality-Show-Island Ramso Skit 2004-05-25T18:18:13-04:00 http://vorg.ca/829-The-Idol-of-Reality-Show-Island#replies http://vorg.ca/799-Postal-Inspectors

POSTAL INSPECTORS



[Scene: the mail room in a large apartment building. Two men enter, begin entering the combinations on their mailboxes]



Bob: . . . so I said, "inspector? I hardly know 'er!" [laughs]

Joe: Heh. [pause] Good one.

Bob: [another pause] I hope my subscription to 'Pornographic Crosswords' has arrived.

Joe: [opens mailbox] Ach! Only bills.

Bob: [opens mailbox] Yes! It's here! [Pulls out a magazine, pauses, gasps] Joe, look, this issue of Pornographic Crosswords has already been opened. [flips frantically through]. Nooooo!

Joe: What? What!

Bob: Somebody's filled in the centrefold!



[Mailman enters]



Joe: Look here, what's the meaning of this? You can't just go about opening people's mail without their permission.

Mailman: [Sneeringly] Oh yeah? Says who?

Bob: Says we.

Mailman: And what are you going to do about it? You can’t touch me. THE POSTAL SERVICE IS ALL POWERFUL! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Bob and Joe: [Look at the camera in despair] What can we do?



[Techno music starts playing. Cut to a black screen with the text 'The Postal Inspectors']



[Over the following sequence, a voice-over speaks over cheesy techno music: “We are the United States Postal Inspection Service, one of our country’s oldest federal law enforcement agencies. Empowered by Congress to investigate postal offenses and civil matters relating to the Postal Service, we are full officers of the law; we carry firearms, make arrests and serve federal search warrants. We live to protect one thing and one thing only: [melodramatic] The Sanctity of the Seal.”



Scene: a man standing by a mailbox, looking around shiftily. Slowly turns to the mailbox, motioning as if undoing his fly and getting ready to pee into it. Three Postal Inspectors (dressed a la the Agents from the Matrix) jump from behind the mailbox and wrestle the man to the ground.



Scene: three PIs walk alongside the line in a post office. They pass people holding various suspiciously-shaped packages (ie. bomb, baby, etc.), then stop at a beautiful woman who is holding nothing. They flash a search warrant at her and drag her away.



Scene: a man in his home, folding up a letter and putting it into an envelope. He looks around shiftily, then turns and lowers the envelope to his crotch, as if getting ready to pee in it. Three PIs break through the door and wrestle him to the ground.



Scene: a dog is chasing a Postal Service van down the street. Three PIs run after him; close-up on one as he draws his gun and fires; shot of the van driving away with the dog, dead, lying in the middle of the street.]



[Cut back to mailroom. Three Postal Inspectors burst into the room, dressed in suits]



Mail guy: Who the hell are you fruitcakes?

Inspector 1: We're the Postal Inspectors, fraud boy.

Inspector 2: You've misused our nation's postal system for the last time.

Mail guy: That's what you think, suckers! Eat Priority Mail! BWAHAHA! [Throws a Priority Mail envelope towards the PIs. Cut to shot of Inspector 1, who catches the envelope in his hand]

Inspector 1: You just made a big mistake, correspondance obstructor.

Mail guy: [Looks panicked] Uh-oh.



[The three inspectors rush mailman and grab him]



Inspector 2: We're going to go postal on your ass...



[Fade to: Mail Guy is lying on the floor, his hands and feet bound with packing tape. Inspector 3 is finishing off restraining him]



Bob: Hey, how come that guy never says anything? [Motioning towards Inspector 3]

Inspector 1: He lost his vocal chords in a mail-related accident.

Bob: Letter bomb?

Inspector 1: Paper cut.

Bob: Oh.

Inspector 2: [To Inspector 3] All done?

[Inspector 3 nods]

Inspector 2: [Into a cell phone] We're bringing one in, HQ. [He pauses, looking around the room]. Suspect is a white . . . 'mail'.



[They all laugh, as the scene fades to black. The following text appears on screen:



“The Fraudulator was taken into custody and charged with mail fraud, assault on a Postal Inspector, and willfully filling in somebody else’s Pornographic Crosswords centrefold.”



Fade to:



“He was sent to the electric chair in October 2003.”



Fade to:



“The Postal Inspectors continue their vigilant work against America’s Postal Criminals.”



Fade to black.]

Lawyer: So let me ask you this Miss Willians, how did you know my client even plays hockey with a man named Vinny?
Miss Willians: I didn’t,
Lawyer: Oh you didn’t? Then how did you know he shows Vin his stick all the time?
Miss Willians: What?
Lawyer: How did you know he’s always telling Vinny how to place his stick on the ice to better receive the puck?
Miss Willians: That’s not what I meant.
Lawyer: Well that’s what you said isn’t it? You said he was showin’ Vin his stick all the time or in your slang: “he was shovinistic all the time.”
Well that was it? Wasn’t it?
Miss Willians: (replies quietly with a hung head) That’s not what I meant.
Lawyer: Oh so that’s what it is, you’re one of them quiet talkers.
You know a shhhhh-talker.
Miss Willians : (again quietly) A what?
Lawyer: A Shh- talker; a Shtalker.
You were stalking my client. How else would you know that my client plays hockey with Vinny?
How would you even know that he plays hockey? He never told you that.
So you are a shhh-talker.
(he manages to make her confused. Turning her feeling bad about what’s happening into guilt)
Miss Willians : Alright I’m a shhtalker.(in a confessing tone)
Lawyer: So that’s it. You admit it. You stalked my client.
Judge: (getting tired with him) Is that all Mr. Wallins(lawyer)?
Lawyer: NO that’s not it. If it would please the court I’d like to have Miss Willians come down here and stand in the middle here so the jury can see this.(in an asking tone)
Judge : Allright. Miss Willians . (motions with his head to tell her: Go ahead)
Can you try and speed this up? I have a headache.
Miss Willians: (goes and stands next to the attorney.)
Lawyer: (goes up behind her like a magician does that “coin behind the ear” trick, And drops a mint from about her butt’s height. So that the mint appears to fall from her butt. He picks it up and raises it to about head’s height; displaying it.)
Lawyer: Well look at that. A butt mint. (He displays it to the jury)
How could something like this (like the butt-mint) come from such a sweet thing like you?
Miss Willians : What? (she’s almost bored with her tone and rolls her eyes)
Lawyer: Sir and members of the jury my client has not committed the crime for which he is being accused, as the definition under the law states. You must absolve my client of all wrong doing because what he did wasn’t what they say it was. Because ladies and gentlemen, members of the jury, this is herassmint (and slams the mint on the bench).
Jury: Ahhhhhhh(shocked)
(Just then, Miss Willians and the judge lock eyes, and in a lover’s whirlwind, she jumps onto the bench and they lay out on it and get on each other)

Attorney: (yells) You’re on her!(your honor)


The End
]]> http://vorg.ca/737-In-courtroom trckands Skit 2004-04-01T11:04:53-05:00 http://vorg.ca/737-In-courtroom#replies http://vorg.ca/732-Aller-Gs [A kid is sitting in front of a TV playing the game. This commercial shows these video game characters that look like gang members using saw-blade gun shooters, giant chainsaws, and flame-throwers fighting trees and destroying them. A kid cheers as he plays the video game. At the top of the screen you can see there’s a points counter and it says "POLLEN COUNT" and every time the kid destroys a tree the pollen count goes down.
The kid is playing the game….
(pollen's coming in through a window and aggravating his nostrils)
Then he stops cause he's getting pollen in his nose. The kid gets up and has to use Kleenexes cause he keeps sneezing. As he pauses the game and walks away, the video game shows the characters
showing their individual skills at destroying the offending trees and rapping about it.]

Aller-G 1(rapping)
“I always keep my chain oiled so it don’t rust
cause these trees: oak maple cedar start my sniffles
and let me know that I must
take out my chainsaw and turn ‘em to saw dust”

Aller-G 2(rapping)
“Sneezing makes me use my weapon everyday
I got fight to keep congestion at bay
So I use grenades to blow these trees away
Ain’t nothing wrong with maple but around me it can’t stay”

Aller-G 3(rapping)
“my nostrils flare
I use Kleenex ‘til my nose’s skin’s rare
so I strap up and let the music blare
cause I don’t like to here the scream of these trees that I have to take down
environmentalists don’t know that when nature tells me it hates me, it really makes me frown
Just something I gotta get off my chest
before I return to putting these trees to rest”

Kid picks up the game and starts blasting again,
(shows the things the particular allergy product fights against, coming up and getting blasted)
(you see him get a kinda mad look on his face as he resumes play, he's determined to get back at the trees.)

[More rappers rap as he plays.]

Aller-G 1(rapping)

"This forestslumber is over
over here over there, cut up woods evrywhere
I'll blast 'em into the great beyond
the tree is the only forest organism of which I'm not fond"

Aller-G 2(rapping)

"They call me TimBurning
This whole forest down"

Aller-G 3(rapping)

"Dog eat dog
man cause log"

Aller-G 2(rapping)

"Kill ever last one of these pollen pooping trees"

Aller-G 3(rapping)

"This tree's bark is nothing compared to the bite of my chainsaw
That put's my mind at ease"

[In the end the kid gets up with the Aller-G’s looking tough and folds his arms with them as they say “We don’t put up with trees, ‘cause we got Aller-G’s”]]]> http://vorg.ca/732-Aller-Gs trckands Skit 2004-03-31T21:19:49-05:00 http://vorg.ca/732-Aller-Gs#replies http://vorg.ca/734-The-Chicken-that-knew-the-future. A CHICKEN BATTERY FARM. ALONG ONE WALL IS HUNDREDS OF CHICKENS WHO ARE BOCKING AWAY. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM IS A BATTERED TABLE COVERED IN STRAW AND EGGS. BEHIND THE TABLE IS SUE AND MIKE WHO ARE IN A LOVERS EMBRACE. THERE IS A BATTERED DOOR ON THE RIGHT.

SUE: Oh Mike, why don’t you take me away from this chicken feed existence.

MIKE: Sue, you know that I am married to my science. And if you truly loved me you would know that. (PICKS UP EGG FROM TABLE AND HOLDS IT UP, IT IS PART FILLED WITH A GREEN BUBBLING SUBSTANCE AND SMOKE POURS OUT THE TOP) I am on the verge of my greatest discovery in chickens.

SUE: But no-one ever found anything in chickens.

MIKE: My grandfather found his lucky stomach in a chicken. That’s what made me be a chicken farmer, even when I was a child I found chickens incredibly, uh... erotic.

SUE: But don’t you understand. This obsession with chickens, it’s destroying you, I mean destroying us.

MIKE: That is, my dear, is what happens to us geniuses. In the end we are destroyed by that which drives us. Yes, all geniuses are consumed by their own chicken!

ENTER DAVE THROUGH DOOR ON RIGHT. HE IS WEARING A BLACK CLOAK, A MOUSTACHE AND SILLY LITTLE GLASSES. HE HAS A CHICKEN UNDER HIS ARM.

SUE: Oh my god, Mike it is your arch-enemy. Like Batman had his Joker, and Sherlock Holmes had his Moriarty, every Mike has his... (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Dave!

DAVE: (LAUGHS EVILLY) Yes Mike. It is I Dave. And I have been having an interesting conversation with this chicken. He tells me, Mike, that you must change your name from Mike to Cassandra!

MIKE: Ha, you don’t fool me Dave. Chickens can’t talk.

CHICKEN: Boc-boc-boc-bocah-boc.

DAVE: What’s that chicken. If Mike does not change his name to Cassandra he will be damned to Hades for all eternity, or at least until Tuesday!

MIKE: (PULLS FACE LIKE A TANGERINE INVERTED) You don’t fool me, Dave. Be gone from my sight.

DAVE: Curse you, Mike. You may think that you have defeated me this time, but I will return and destroy you. (MANIC LAUGH, EXITS)

MIKE: It is a good job I am an expert on chickens and know that they cannot talk otherwise Dave could have fooled me there.

SUE: He had me convinced.

MIKE: Yes. Well he just had me (IT IS IMPORTANT ACTOR SAYS NEXT WORD RIGHT OR TERRIFIC GAG IS LOST) eggs-aspirated.

SUE: Oh you (SAME DIRECTION AS IN MIKE’S SPEECH)yolk-er, Mike.

SUE AND MIKE BOTH LAUGH. FADE TO BLACK.

CAPTION: “THE FOLLOWING TUESDAY”.

FADE UP FROM BLACK. BACK IN SAME CHICKEN FARM BUT THIS TIME SUE STANDS ALONE LOOKING FORLORN.

SUE: Oh where oh where is Mike. Oh, where can he be. (BEGINS TO CRY)

THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND MIKE COLLAPSES ONTO THE TABLE LOOKING DISHEVELLED.

MIKE: Oh, the horror, the horror.

SUE: Where have you been?

MIKE: Oh damned. Damned to Hades until today.

SUE: Like what that chicken...

MIKE: Yes, like the chicken said.

SUE: Oh, Mike.

MIKE: No, don’t call me Mike. Please call me Cassandra.

SUE: Cassandra!

MIKE: Yes Sue, for there is wisdom in them there chickens!

CLOSE UP ON BATTERY CHICKENS ON BACK WALL. FADE IN CREEPY MUSIC. FADE TO BLACK
CAPTION: “THE END?”
MUSIC FADES OUT.
]]> http://vorg.ca/734-The-Chicken-that-knew-the-future. nimrodshair Skit 2004-03-31T18:50:52-05:00 http://vorg.ca/734-The-Chicken-that-knew-the-future.#replies http://vorg.ca/728-The-Cheeseborough-Family. THE LIVING ROOM OF THE CHEESEBOROUGH FAMILY. MRS CHEESEBOROUGH IS DUSTING AND FUSSING AROUND THE FURNITURE. THERE IS A SOFA AND TWO CHAIRS. A COFFEE TABLE. BEHIND THE SOFA IS A BOOKCASE AND A MANTELPIECE. THERE IS A FRONT DOOR ON THE LEFT. MR CHEESEBOROUGH LIES ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE TABLE WITH A HUGE AXE IN HIS CHEST.

MR CHEESEBOROUGH: Ow ouch ouch ow ow. This is really quite painful.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Yes, I do suppose it would be. But you’ve only got yourself to blame.

MR CHEESEBOROUGH: Ahhrgghhh, I think I’m dieing.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Well, I know I’m dusting but you don’t hear me going on about it.

MR CHEESEBOROUGH: Urgh, I am now dead.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh no, not in the living room, Monty. Good grief, polite people die in bed. Never the gentleman, tsk tsk.

MYDAUGHTER CHEESEBOROUGH ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

MYDAUGHTER: Hello Mother Cheeseborough. I have come home from outside. You know it is very cold out in Antarctica. But it’s a good job it’s lovely and warm here. Otherwise I would not have come.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Hello there Mydaughter, I’m afraid I appear to have murdered your father.

MYDAUGHTER: Oh well, never mind. I can always buy a new one.

MYDAUGHTER STEPS FORWARD AND SEES MR CHEESEBOROUGH ON THE FLOOR.

MYDAUGHTER: Eeekk. Where’s the television gone?

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh. I’ve hidden it. That’s why I murdered your father.

MYDAUGHTER: Oh right. That. In that case everything is fine. Except perhaps that whole Israel Palestine thing.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh, I’m so glad it’s not raining, at least not indoors. Yes, horribly rainy outside but fortunately not indoors.

MYDAUGHTER: Mother, have you gone completely mad?

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: No dear, why do you ask? Is it for a school project?

MYDAUGHTER: No, it’s just I can’t help but notice that that top really doesn’t match with that dress. Such a mistake must surely show insanity in one who reads all the right fashion magazines.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Come now dear. Razzle and Playboy are not fashion magazines.

MYDAUGHTER: No, but it would make London fashion week much more horny if they were.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Horny? Horny!? I should think the last thing London fashion week needs is tusks!

MYDAUGHTER: I don’t know, I think tusks could be really big.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh they can. They can. I saw this programme and out in Africa some men have tusks 14 foot long. Or was it elephants?

MYDAUGHTER: Men don’t have elephants.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Oh, men will have anything they want when they’re desperate.

MR CHEESEBOROUGH: (SITTING UP) Ahh, I feel much better now. You know there’s nothing like a quick death. You know I feel like an elephant.

MYDAUGHTER: You don’t look like one.

MRS CHEESEBOROUGH: Yes, let’s all go buy an elephant.

ALL HOLD HANDS AND EXIT THROUGH FRONT DOOR.

ENDS
]]> http://vorg.ca/728-The-Cheeseborough-Family. nimrodshair Skit 2004-03-29T20:52:36-05:00 http://vorg.ca/728-The-Cheeseborough-Family.#replies http://vorg.ca/727-The-Cheeseborough-Family. Duh.]]> http://vorg.ca/727-The-Cheeseborough-Family. nimrodshair Skit 2004-03-29T19:41:47-05:00 http://vorg.ca/727-The-Cheeseborough-Family.#replies http://vorg.ca/652-Middle-Name-is Female is introduced to a group of men, as Melissa (Odd facial expression, such as tongue-out/moving) LoBiondo... Her friend mentions that Melissa is better known as (facial expression) to her friends, etc... Skit continues with her meeting a man (or men) whom she's interested with, as others who know her come up and talk to him (and refer to "her") using her "middle" (facial expression) name.

More suited for almost a MAD-TV sort of silly skit.
]]> http://vorg.ca/652-Middle-Name-is acmartin Skit 2004-02-21T23:52:26-05:00 http://vorg.ca/652-Middle-Name-is#replies http://vorg.ca/629-Porno-Roomate SCENE: COLLEGE DORM ROOM....CLINT IS RETURNING HOME FROM A HARD DAY OF CLASSES, THE PORNO ROOMATE HAS SKIPPED CLASS.......AGAIN.

CLINT ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM AND FINDS PORNO ROOMATE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES UNSHOWERED AND STINKING OF BEER.


CLINT:AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING PIZZA BOXES!

PORNO ROOMATE: (not paying attention ,muttering under breath).....it's Dejourno...

CLINT: (getting louder, and angrier) YOU ARE FUCKING DEJOURNO IN THE GODDAMN SKULL! LOOK AT THIS MESS! I GO TO TAKE A PISS, AND THERE IS A PIZZA BOX IN THE FUCKING SHOWER!

PORNO ROOMATE: (gazing at video games and muttering distantly) ...I was on the go...*shrugs*


CLINT: ARE YOU SOME KIND OF A BURN OUT? ARE WE HAVING AN EPISODE HERE?

PORNO ROOMATE: Do you think that they let retarded people into the military? (gazing at video game)

CLINT: (on a tirade) .......I MEAN, I CAN"T EVEN BRING MY DATES BACK TO MY OWN DORM........WITHOUT...AND SOME JACKASS PASSED OUT IN A PUDDLE OF VOMIT!

PORNO ROOMATE:(Still zoning out at the game) I mean....You would think SPECIAL forces and all.......duh huh huh

CLINT: (not even looking at porno roomate anymore, just loudly voicing his complaints pacing back and forth) ........AND I AM A NICE GUY!............*audience capturing only broken pieces of ranting*.........I HAVE TO WRITE MY NAME ON THE CEREAL BOX.......HEARD OF LAZINESS BEFORE, BUT PISSING IN THE SINK BECAUSE IT'S CLOSER IS JUST GOOD OLD FASHIONED FUCKED UP!

PORNO ROOMATE: Will we ever see the day that a black woman is elected president?


CLINT: Now, THAT would be fucked up! *laughs*

PORNO ROOMATE: You could get oral from the president. I mean, you or I would probably never get within 400 ft of her without being tackled by uniformed personell, but I mean TECHNICALLY, it would be possible.

*the bleep of video games is heard as both men ponder*

CLINT: *laughing hysterically, stands at attention and salutes* YES SIR FIRST COMPANY CHARLIE BRAVO SQAUDRON RED LEADER! DO YOU COPY? OVER? I SAY AGAIN, I TAPPED THE PRESIDENT'S CORNHOLE! OVER, ROGER THAT ZEBRA DELTA SQUAD, TITAN HAS SPLASHED DOWN....YOU TAKE COAXES ONE AND READYTWO ON MY ZULU. *stands at rigid attention, humping the air ferociously, with eyes bulging out, still holding the salute.*

PORNO ROOMATE: *jumps up screaming like the drill sergeant from "Full Metal Jacket"* PRIVATE MULDOON YOU COCK SURE SON OF A BITCH! STEP UP TO THE LINE HERE! DID I HEAR YOU SAY OVER THE RADIO CHATTER THAT YOU FUCKED THE PRESIDENT IN HER BLACK ASS?!

CLINT: *falls back on the lazy boy recliner behind him laughing hysterically* .......whew.....oh man.....*laughs*.........cock sure.....that is hilarious.....Dude, you should come to class more often...

PORNO ROOMATE: Is there any of that weed left?

CLINT: I'LL GO GET THAT ROACH!

PORNO ROOMATE: What roach?

*Clint digs through his backpack in the next room*

PORNO ROOMATE: (raising voice) HEY......DUDE........WHAT ROACH?
*waits for answer briefly looking intently down the hallway, then loses interest, and begins playing video games again.

*CLINT RE-ENTERS THE ROOM AND SITS DOWN IN THE LAZY BOY, OPENING A CANNED SOFT DRINK AND SIPPING IT IN SILENCE.

PORNO ROOMATE: Hey....Did you say you had a roach?

CLINT: yeah

PORNO ROOMATE: From where? What roach???

CLINT: Dude, you won' t believe this.....I smoked a blunt with my philosophy teacher today.

PORNO ROOMATE: A fattie?

CLINT: It was kinda fat, yeah.

PORNO ROOMATE:Not as fat as "Juhbluntski".........?

CLINT: Oh hell no, Juhbluntski was crazy huge.

PORNO ROOMATE: Why do you smoke weed with random people like that?

CLINT: I was just sitting in my car rolling one during lunch and he came strolling up........and

PORNO ROOMATE: *interrupting* Yeah, but you always do shit like that. Every other day you come in here and tell me some crazy story about how you sparked one up with some random person. "Hey guess what, I smoked bong hits with the mayors daughter." or " I think I'm cool because I got high with the gas station attendant down the street."

CLINT: It's fun to get people you don't know high.

PORNO ROOMATE:Bro, you get high with your friends or your lady, you don't go and smoke a joint with the Mcdonald's drive through girl.

CLINT: SHe got paranoid and had to leave work. THAT CHRONIC HIT HER BOY! *laughs* She was LOOPED OUT, kid!

PORNO ROOMATE: You are gonna get busted.

CLINT: *still reminiscing* She passed me the joint back........she was just standing there at the drive through window......looking mesmerized out of her mind.....with that big-ass headset on......

PORNO ROOMATE: You are gonna get busted.

CLINT: Shut up and hand me a lighter there, Dejourno boy.

PORNO ROOMATE: I'm for real, you will get busted.

CLINT: If I need advice on how to piss in sinks and be a nasty bastard I will consult YOU, otherwise, shut the fuck up and hand me a lighter.



FIN





]]> http://vorg.ca/629-Porno-Roomate AlexDelage Skit 2004-02-12T23:34:51-05:00 http://vorg.ca/629-Porno-Roomate#replies